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Haters Gonna Hate

12 Jun

Hater gonna hate, guuurrrrl.

So…I haven’t been writing about any weird dates lately because I’ve been dating a nice guy for over a year now. Everything is great, but when I tell people about him, they think it’s ok to voice their absurd opinions about it. I understand that may seem normal, most people’s  friends dole out all kinds of unsolicited inputs about their friends’ boy/girlfriends. But, those musings aren’t that of an Indiana Jones super villain… typically.

indy

The guy I’m dating is of the Jewish persuasion. I didn’t really think people hated on Jews anymore. I mean, this isn’t 1930s Germany (these events happened before Russian decided to time travel their crazy balls thinking back to WWII.) Well, I was way wrong. There’s a woman at the school I went to who was very religious and I didn’t mind having little theological discussions with her, I mean I was there 9 hours a day, I had to pass the time some how! One day she told me that she wasn’t prejudiced against anyone… “except the Jews! They killed Jesus and all they care about is money.” WHOA!  Holy shit, right?

j1j2

I told her that I thought Jesus’ job was to die…like, that was  his reason for being, so why get mad about him successfully completing his job, regardless of who helped him accomplish it ? Didn’t matter. She would say “Jews” and then hiss like a vampire seeing the sun. WTF, right? How do I meet these people?  I got to listen to a few months worth of this from her. I get it, she’s old…old people don’t give a shit about what’s politically or logically correct.

how bout no

Then I met younger people who, as soon as they found out I was dating a Jewish guy, verbally barfed up their ignorant ass views. During these incidents, I wasn’t the only one around, other people my age were present and NO ONE ELSE thought, “hmm, that was, I don’t know….inappropriate!”

hile myself

After experiencing this more times than I thought I ever would in my life, I figured I must secretly be in a Mel Brooks movie because this has to be a joke. I was just waiting for someone to burst out into a flamboyant song and dance number. Surely, people aren’t actually like this! Had Indiana Jones taught people nothing? If you hate Jews, this will happen to you…every time:

melt

Am I trying to say that only Christians are simple-minded, bigots? Nope.  I’ve been ignored by my Jewish side of the family for being Gentile. I met the majority of the Goldberg side of my family while watching my grandfather die of cancer in the ER….treasured family memories! I’ve been hated by ex-boyfriend’s mothers for not being “Christian enough.” Just like Jesus would want, right?

hate rita

I enjoy hating as much as the next person, actually probably more…it just feels so good. But hating is an art form, don’t be lazy about it. Hate someone for something really personal, something that, if you told them why you hated them, would probably send them into years of therapy. That’s the kind of hating I love, it’s much more fulfilling. Hate someone for being dismissive, rude, arrogant or just for being a gigantic asshole to you.  Don’t hate someone for their religion, you unimaginative, mundane, pedestrian, hack!

 

Who Can It Be Now?

28 Jan

story of my life

maid 2

So…I starting using an online dating site ( my Grandma thinks the name is “It’s OK to be Stupid”) to help me meet someone before I give up on life, adopt 38 cats and begin wearing only Muumuus. I figured that since you have to answer questions and fill out profile crap, that would probably knock out enough idiots.

I thought wrong. Let me share some of the best messages I’ve received.  I have not altered these in any way, just copied and pasted them from my inbox. For those of you who don’t believe me when I tell you how tedious it is to wade through these morons, your brain will probably crap out the side of your head after this, so grab a wet wipe.

  • glass-essay1: “Pardon me for asking, but I’m very curious. What’s your bra size? Honestly. 34C or D?”

respect me1

respect my boobies

  • wineanddineyou: “Wolfgang Puck. Wine tasting in Santa Barbara. Sunday brunch at Hotel Bel Air. A night at the Four Seasons Westlake Village Spa. Good morning! Is there anything I can do or say to say YES to seeing me? I am a work a holic so I am seeking something casual. In exchange I am more than happy to help with your bills to see you maybe once every 2 weeks. Please…. You are really adorable and cute and I promise to show you a great time. You will have fun with me and laugh and you won’t regret it. I am happy to send you a photo of you’d please give me your email address.”
Since when do I look like Pretty Woman?

Since when do I look like Pretty Woman?

  •  issaaa: “hi there what ethnicity are you? :)” 
a brain..a heart..the nerve

Because my extreme paleness makes me racially ambiguous?

  • madiman: “just the ex-girlfriend I’m looking for.”
Really, dude?

Really, dude?

  • greatbirds: “Hello..? Could i be your slave…?”
boombox

Idiot.

  • glidingsaucers: “You almost capture the elegance of the mammary grope of the original. You must be the next Rodin.”
What are you even trying to say, dum dum?

What are you even trying to say, dum dum?

  • smartcutewriter: “Ok just read my profile and contact me. Nuff said :)”
Good writers don't use the word "nuff," jag weed.

Good writers don’t use the word “nuff,” jag weed.

  • ANDREW_IS_HORNY: “OMG!!!! i would soo fuk u hard in the ass nd pussy i’ll eat u out send me a naked pic of u nd i’ll send u 1″
My thoughts exactly.

My thoughts exactly.

And those are messages from the guys I did NOT go on dates with. One guy I met up with had a list to help him know when he was in love, also, he’s never been in love.  I got catfished…or Manti Te’o-ed, either way, that was weird and lame. Another guy told me he was into BDSM, banging old chicks and having them use strap ons on his b-hole.  That was on our first (and only) date.  And my personal favorite, I got dumped because, apparently, I’m “too sarcastic.” I feel like anyone who’s had more than a 10 minute conversation with me would figure that out rather quickly. It took him almost two months.

Damn, is this too sarcastic?

Is this reaction too sarcastic?

Thank you, my parents’ generation, for making the “men” I get to date. I love wasting all my pretty years weeding through this discouraging, never-ending, garden from hell.

This Ain’t My First Time At The Rodeo

11 Nov

Clearly, this is the bane of my existence.

So much for my momentary respite from dealing with the epidemic of asshole guys in my life. I turned around from writing about my last foray into dating, just to be hit by another  iceberg. Honestly, I’m not trying to become the Taylor Swift of blogging, but clearly life has other plans for me. Sadly, people either relate, sympathize or laugh with me when I write about this crap, so here I go again. Sit back while I tell you a tale about someone who told many tales.

The first time I made the acquaintance of this guy we met for a few drinks on the same property where we both work. For all intents and purposes, let’s call him “Woody.” He was a talker, it was almost as though someone was obsessively pulling his string! That meant I just sat back, enjoyed my drinks  and listened to him prattle on about himself since he asked me, maybe, one question. “Woody” hales from the Central Valley, near where I grew up, so I figured he wouldn’t be as asinine as the boys down here tend to be. He touted his chivalry from the word go, “I have two sisters, I know how to treat women.” Then the bill came and he said we could spilt it.

Oh yes, we’re almost 30, let’s go Dutch!

“Woody” also informed me, “If you want to hang out again, text me.” This guy seemed kind of funny and we had a few things in common.  But, as we all know by now, I’m a blunt person and want to be treated like a girl, NOT a bro. I told him, “I do want to see you again, you can call me.”

We both work very odd hours so, we started hanging out at my apartment afterwards. We would watch stand up specials. He likes comedy and thinks I’m a “comedy snob” like him. First of all, that’s not even a thing. Secondly, I know more about comedy than he does. I studied it, I’ve written/write it, I’ve performed and to me, what’s funny is funny–that’s it. (And you need to learn your stand up comedians better if you want to keep this “snob” title up, son.)

I, too, thought we were both on the same level of nerdiness. I have a secret love, not so secret anymore, of Star Wars. While discussing what celebrities we’ve hobnobbed with, I mentioned that one of the most impressive stars I’ve ever met was Debbie Reynolds. This guy, a self-proclaimed geek, didn’t even know that she is Princess Leia’s Mom.

Choke yourself.

Debbie Reynolds is a God damn delight to behold and the only reason Carrie Fisher became anything in the first place. Why do I know so much and others know…nothing?!

“Woody” even had a podcast and some stand up of his own work that I listened to. (No, I won’t post a link, I’m not giving some jerk free publicity! I’m not sad enough to be stupid.) To prove that I’m not a completely heartless, vengeful, bitch, I won’t say that he’s stuff was shitty because it wasn’t. One of the main reasons I liked this guy was because I thought I had finally found someone with whom I could be creative. His stuff needed work and the idea of doing that together was an intoxicating thought. Clearly, I got a little too drunk on the idea.

Woody: I don’t want to hurt you like the last guy.
Me: Then DON’T.

“Woody” and I got pretty close. He opened up about his past relationships. He reassured me and said “not to worry about” certain other girls from his past.  He was well aware about the Hindenbergh of my last jaunt into dating.  He even told me he didn’t want to lead me on like the last guy did. Unfortunately, he thought a certain blog entry  about the last doucher was directed towards him. Just like a man, thinking every little thing is about him. I liked “Woody.” So much that I even wrote another entry, expressing how sorry I was about “Woody” feeling like I had written something awful about him when he hadn’t deserved it…yet. At the time he was also expressing that he didn’t know if he was ready for a relationship, which is why he found a few similarities between the post and his life. Trust me, I felt like I was watching the same, crappy re-run. Like that episode of ‘Saved By The Bell’ you hate, but always end up catching on WGN when you can’t sleep. Just like that!

Then, he stood me up.  YEA!!! That…again! A day later he got off his ass and text me back, “I’m horrible at communication. I don’t know how I feel.”

What? That’s such a stupid, dick head excuse.  It’s 2012, you’re 27, try again.

I know you saw the texts, you didn’t have the balls to respond until a day later with a lame excuse. He feigned an attempt to mend his fences, but I knew something was up. I’ve dated too many assholes not to know in my gut when something is wrong. I felt it coming, the Joan Crawford inside of me knew.

“This ain’t my first time at the rodeo. And don’t you forget it.” – Joan Crawford.

On Thursday, “Woody” had informed me that he wasn’t going to be driving back down from visiting family until the following day and we would hang out some time this weekend. *Ting* Something’s not right again.

As I drove around LA, going from lunch with a friend to having cocktails with Rog, I look into the craptastic Los Angeles traffic and saw….”Woody.”

Oh, helllll naw. I did NOT just see that!

I see weird crap all the time, but this really took the cake. I raced to Musso & Franks for a stiff cocktail. I texted “Woody,” telling him I saw his twin, just to see if he would cop to his lie.

“Fucking Doppelganger. What sort of car what he driving?”

“Do you think I’m stupid?”

Nothing enrages me more than a liar…except for when that liar thinks I’m not smart enough to unravel their crappily planned lies.

“Stalker Staus. We’ll talk soon”

Oh, I see. I was in LA when you were SUPPOSED to be up north. I caught you in a lie and I’m the crazy one. Ok, yeah. That makes sense.

Seriously, you think you are smarter than ME? Go back to Fresno, amature night.

A few days go by and I get some texts from a friend that wake me up. “Woody’s” got a girlfriend and it’s not you.”

God knows he wasn’t man enough to tell me this glorious news. I’m sure he thought he was playa enough to pull off juggling two girls. I told you I KNEW something was wrong.  I have a very STRONG hunch that the girl he’s with is the girl he told me not to worry about. I’m sure he lied about a ton of other things too, but you get the gist of it. I don’t have to date every single guy to know 99% of them are assholes. I just really wanted him to be contrary to all the other drones. I thought I’d finally found someone who’d broken the mold, but he was just a cheap knock off.  And, he was right, he really does know how to “treat women,” he just didn’t define exactly how he liked to” treat” them.

“Woody,” that post was not about you, but you can bet your life that this post, right here, this one, is alllll about you, boy. I didn’t want to have to write this post, but you practically begged me to. Enjoy your self-made celebrity. You are King Shit of Turd Mountain. You did a play-by-play of what the last guy did to me. You manipulated my feelings, got me attached to you, erased yourself from existence and gave me, yippie, a reason to write a blog about another turd blossom I’ve dated. How original. That’s somebody else’s bit, think up one of your own, you HACK!

I’ll let the Queen of my heart, Mr. Mercury, express my feelings in song.

I’ve Gotta Be Me

2 Nov

So…apparently my last post really resonated because I got a LOT of private messages from people who read it and the feedback ran the gamete in extremes.

My Dad still thinks I have zero gaydar and everyone down here is gay. This coming from the man who watches ‘The Notebook’ every time it’s on TV. And let’s not even talk about his weird love affair with human giant, Julia Child. Yea, I’m calling you out Dad, that’s kind of gay.

Other people were super pissed that I had to have such an exhausting experience. Thank you for being mad for me? Yep, it was draining to deal with, but thank God I can see the ridiculousness of it all. If I couldn’t, I’d be crazy by now. Like, Britney Spears shaving her head, baseball bat wielding, kook job.

I also got this sentiment from a few people, “Not all guys are idiots.” If I thought all guys were knuckle dragging morons, I would have given up years ago. I know there are nice, straight, guys out there and I know quite a few of them. My Grampa, my Dad (when he’s not cursing out an inanimate object that “got in his way.”) Smaptie’s Dad, John, Alan (Anyone who watches movies all day long for four days once every year with me is a prince!) and a few more, but you get the point. I don’t write about all the guys I date on here either, I’ve dated some nice guys that I didn’t want to write about because this isn’t a dating blog. It’s a blog about crap that pisses me off…and sometimes movies and cats.

I also heard, “You’re a such a catch.” First, thank you. Second, saying I’m awesome in response to me repeatedly failing in the dating world doesn’t make me feel better. It kind of makes me angry that the people I want to see that don’t and those that do, are married…or my Grandma, who HAS to say it.

And one person took it very much to heart and was hurt by it. No, it was not the moose knuckle I wrote about, it was an actual nice guy. I felt completely horrible about making someone feel bad, especially one that most certainly didn’t deserve it.

SYKE!!! This guy is a lying tool who thought he could get away with lying. Thanks for dicking me around, I so needed more of that in my life. What an utter waste of my time.

It made me feel so bad that I seriously thought about taking the post down completely, which I have NEVER done for anyone, ever. And that thought made someone else totally infuriated, Roger.

I’m sorry that post ruffled someone’s feathers that weren’t meant to be ruffled. But, the post wasn’t about them or for them, it was for me and about how I felt after someone treated me like dumpola.  Since the human skidmark it was about wouldn’t let me have an adult conversation with him after standing me up THREE TIMES (penis wrinkle!) I had to let my thoughts out somewhere and what better place to let MY thoughts be known than on MY blog. In the words of Sammy Davis Jr., “I can’t be right for somebody else, if I’m not right for me.

Here I Go Again

31 Oct

I’m in my rage period.

So…I started dating someone. Hey, I was fine in my self-induced Fortress of Solitude, slowly making my way towards Cat Ladydom.  This wasn’t something I planned on, I was pretty surprised an attractive, straight, guy could like me because….I’m a dork. I’m the freakin’ real life Liz Lemon. Aside from my nerdiness, everything was going great. Until he stood me up.

I’ve had guys do a lot of crappy things *cough* dump me on my graduation day*cough*, but I’ve NEVER been stood up. Honestly, being stood up is such an epic waste of time. I mean damn, I buffed my skin, shaved, curled my hair, my make up was impeccable. I could have stayed all gross, in my sweat pants and watched a million hours of crap on Netflix and my time would have been much better spent!! Instead I looked super hot as I waited on my couch for the dinner that was never to be.

When this perfect example of “men” my age finally reached up inside himself, felt around, and found his pitiful excuse for balls and talked to me, he gave me a doozy of an excuse. (By talk I mean text. God forbid a guy CALL a girl. They’d rather have me try to crack the encryption of their tone like I’m freakin’ Indiana Jones.) This is what he said, I can’t make this shit up, “I really like you, but I got attached too fast, so I’m a dick.”

Now, I’m no mathematician, so let me get this straight. Fun+Nice+Really Like=DUMP? If I follow this equation, I need to be more of bitch to keep a guy. You like someone a lot, so you leave?  I’ve never had so many positives turn into negative. It reminded me of an SNL sketch about throwing stuff you like on the ground. It really makes no sense.

I know what you’re thinking, it’s time to tase some buttholes.

Then he says, “I’m not ready for a relationship. I don’t want to get hurt.”

Do you think the manly men who blew the brains out of dirty, stinking, Nazis 70 years ago would have fathomed that they would begat grandsons who are such gigantic pussies? I can’t handle all this emotional BULLSHIT. Last time I checked, I looked down and got an eyeful of tit. Meaning, I’m the girl, knock this whining crap off.  I’m tired of being the Alpha Male. Why does your fear of getting hurt trump mine? And who goes into a relationship expecting to get stomped all over? I date asshole after asshole, I get hurt every time. But I still keep trying.

Men: STOP being pussies. And if things are going good…SHUT UP and KEEP GOING.

Fuzzy Lollipop Guild

20 May

#FLG

So…a few of us at work were commenting on how extremely annoying chicks (like the kind who have baby voices…most likely because their uncle diddled them as a child) have boyfriends who willing put up with them, while I sit alone in my writing cave. Something isn’t right in the world.

One of my co-workers said, “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

I didn’t say there was. Thank you, butt lick.

Two more guys told me, “If I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d do you.”

Ughhhh. I’m so stoked to know that I’m good enough for you, but only after your first choice isn’t around anymore. And only for a quick lay. Finally, my prince has come! Example 1,869 of why I hate guys in my generation. They all have foot in mouth disease.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one who was having a weird day today. My friend Miss Carley summed up her day in a tweet, “Once again, I feel like Sugar Kane in SOME LIKE IT HOT: stuck with the fuzzy end of the lollipop.” If you’ve never heard of that expression, watch this.

I suggested we start a club, the Fuzzy Lollipop Guild.

So, if you have any fuzzy lollipop stories tweet us @laurensemar or @MissCarley and make sure to use #FLG. Or if you don’t tweet, you can comment below…even if it’s anonymously.

If You Don’t Respect the Past, You Can’t Respect the Future

6 Apr

Way to go, assholes.

So…something old and of historical value was smashed to the ground yesterday. Just another day in LA, right? All last week protests were held to save part of Pickfair Studios. It was built in 1920 by the biggest stars in Hollywood, Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks, and big stars like Rudolph Valentino, Marilyn Monroe, Clark Gable, Frank Sinatra, Myrna Loy, Natalie Wood, Marlon Brando, Susan Hayward, Greer Garson, Jack Lemmon, Danny Kaye, Eddie Cantor and Laurence Olivier made films there.

There a still a few buildings that can be saved on the lot, SIGN THE PETITION HERE. DO IT.

Pickfair Studios in it's hay-day.

What much needed building is going up in place of this historical relic?

In the words of Bette Davis, "What a dump."

Condos. Because there’s not enough places to live in LA, right? Idiots.

Meg Ryan Then & Now

LA is turning into that chick that used to be smokin’ hot when she was young, then started getting plastic surgery. But, for some reason she’s still popular because everyone remembers how cool she used to be and that’s why everyone is afraid to tell her to PUT THE SCALPEL DOWN! You aren’t 20 anymore, embrace your age, you crazy broad. But she can’t, she’s addicted.

So many really neat, important buildings that made LA what it WAS have been torn down. For something better? You be the judge.

The MGM Backlot Then & Now

The MGM Backlot, the most important studio ever, was sold off and made into modern day Culver City by the dude who built the MGM Casino in Vegas (The same one that burnt down and killed a bunch of people in the 80’s.) Actually, the reason the back lot was sold off was to fund the Las Vegas project.

"The Watering Hole." The Brown Derby 1941

The Brown Derby, birth place of the Cobb Salad. It used to be THE place to see and be seen. Besides being famous for the Cobb and caricatures of movie stars, I know it best from the episode of ‘I Love Lucy’ where she runs into Bill Holden. Fact: It is Lucille Ball’s favorite episode, ever.

The Brown Derby site now. Where reality stars of today go to dry hump each other on the dance floor.

Coconut Grove.

The Coconut Grove was in the Ambassador Hotel.  The Academy Awards used to be held there and I would die to have been able to have gone there. My Grandma went and said it was amazing. Stars would go there to wine and dine and dance the night away to actual music that you can’t dry hump to. It’s also the site of RFK’s death and that is why the aging hotel was turned into RFK High School. There were protests to save the site, big movie stars backed it. Didn’t matter, now high schoolers dry hump all over the place there.

Coconut Grove Now.

I’m not forgetting Marion Davies’ Beach house (Mansion), you can go back and read all about it.

This whole post made me depressed. Thanks LA, I was in a decent mood.

BITCH

7 Dec

And gay dudes think I'm a sassy bitch...what now!

So…I’m just going to keep talking about people who open their mouths and tell me rude/inappropriate things because, well, because apparently I’m a bitch, so let’s just roll with that.

While walking to my car with some co-workers, it came up that I have been single for eons. One of the girls told me she thought the reason guys didn’t approach me was because of how I look.  How’s that you ask?

“Like a bitch.”

And that’s not all,  if I am approached, she bet that men were scared off by my personality…

Which is also, one of a bitch.

Well then.

It's a burden being this attractive. You're so lucky to be plain.

If I’m a total bitch, then I suppose I’m justified in my response, which is the following:

Yes, I do walk into a room confident that I have a fabulous face, hair and tits. Clearly that makes you uncomfortable. Not my problem.  Buy some make up.

You’re right, I don’t dumb myself down, unlike 90% of the girls in Southern California, just to find a guy.  If “men” are scared of me because of my personality, then I have a tampon for them to use because they’re clearly p*ssies.  I’m not interested in those anyways… I’m not a lesbian.

You know why I’m such a bitch, bitch? Because I have to do everything MYSELF! I don’t count on my boyfriend or daddy to take care of stuff for me as an adult.  And, yes,  I’ve always been like this. In high school I was editor in chief  of the yearbook and fired half of my staff (because they sucked and didn’t do ANYTHING!) So, Smaptie and I did that book ourselves….then I had to wear a heart monitor to school because my heart was freaking out due to all the the stress I was under and everyone thought I had cancer.

But that’s besides the point.

The point is:

So I guess I’ll keep being single because apparently, people are scared of attractive, smart chicks.

And thank you, for your unsolicited opinion, bitch.

Shut Your Mouth Right Now

29 Nov

I'm 90% certain of this.

So…yet again, I’m surrounded by knuckle dragging morons who insist on telling me stupid crap. Maybe there is something about my face that makes them think that I  give two sh*ts about whatever they’re flappin’ their yaps about,  but whatever it is needs to change.

For sometime now I’ve had Latino men, mostly at work and driving past me in gardener trucks, tell me how much they love a girl with a “little extra.” Actually, I have a nick name from the guys at work, Chichona.  Don’t know what that means? It’s Spanish for big titty bitch.  Charming.

My favorite manager, a man and a total babe, didn’t take too kindly to this and told those skeeze bags that if he heard them calling me that again, he’d fire them.  Awesome right? Yea, for a few weeks…until he quit. Eff!

The day after he left, one of the bussers approached me to say, “Now that Mr. X is gone, who’s going to protect you now, Chichona?”

I’m screwed.

There’s also a new dude that works at the front desk my of gym. All the checker inner guys at 24 know me because I’m one of the only people who works out at midnight, so I introduced myself.  New guy is African American and from New Orleans. (I’m not being racist, this knowledge is important for the rest of the story.) He told me, “Girl, you remind me of Khole Kardashian,  you’re healthy.”

I don’t think Khole is fat, but I am well aware that the majority of people do, and since I’m an epically pale, white girl, he should know that, in my community, that is NOT a compliment.

I asked him if he was calling me fat and he said, “Naw girl, if you was fat, I’d say you were real healthy.”

Because that makes it better, right?

If this kind of crap keeps happening to me, I’m pretty sure I’m going to snap and have a stroke before I even hit thirty years old.

So, to the dumb asses that continue to talk to me, I say:

Was that too many words for you? Fair enough. How about this:

If that wasn’t clear enough, how about this:

I Bet You Think This Post Is About You…Don’t You?

23 Jul

THINK about this next time you don't wash your hands...then wash them, idiot.

So…something I learned is the day’s topic. I learn new things everyday. Plus, I already post a new daily factoid on this site. I’m guessing this has to be a little more broad.

How’s this for a sweeping statement about what I’ve learned; everyone doesn’t think like me. I’m sure you think that’s also incredibly vain, it’s not. I don’t think I’m perfect or anything like that, I just forget that things I think are common knowledge when talking to others…aren’t. It’s taken me a while to realize that  people are  inconsiderate, stupid assholes AND proud of it. This past month I’ve ran into people my age who didn’t know what the word muggy (:being warm and damp) meant and had never heard ‘I Left My Heart In San Francisco.’ These people make me want to slam my head against a brick wall. The way I look at learning is as follows: 1.) It’s free and like an all you can eat buffet, I’ll go back for more because I can 2.) Learning about a variety of topics will help me when I talk to others and potentially get a new job OR get more money at the job I’m currently at 3.) I will always understand whatever is being referenced in a joke and 4.) I never look like a damn fool who doesn’t know what muggy means! Jesus.

I’m smart enough to know I’m not the most brilliant person, but I am smarter than the average bear. Which has lead me to wonder…what do others think about? I used to ask this idiot what he was thinking and he would always say, “Nothing.”  “Impossible,” I would think, “I always have a million different things I am thinking about or should be thinking about, how can he think about nothing?”

For some people, they really and truly actually just sit there…and exist. To those people I say, let your gene pool end with you. I’m sorry, let me be more clear, don’t have kids–ever.

I don’t even want to get onto the topic of cleanliness, I’d be here all day. Compared to my Joan Crawford clean freak of a father, I’m a slob BUT compared to past roommates, I’m the Saint of Soft Scrub Bleach. (Leaving bowls of cereal in your room until they turn green is SICK.)

Recently I’ve been told by multiple people that I’ve “changed their life.” Wow, that sounds awesome, right? Bully (an adjective meaning excellent; splendid) for them. I wish someone would come and change mine for the better too, but that would require others to do some kind of work, and what have we all learned here? That’s right, don’t depend on others because people are lazy and stupid and don’t want to exert the effort to help out. I’m sick of doing all the work, maybe I should act stupid too. As my luck would have it, I’d probably get a better job, a boyfriend and have some awesome life changing event. Maybe ignorance really is bliss.

Bea Arthuring, the name of my judgmental look when I think about you.

I’m sure while reading this post many of you might be thinking, “OMG, is she talking about me?” If you think I am, then sure, yes I am. Listen to the sweet sounds of  Carly Simon (ugh, and Mick Jagger as they sing about Warren Beatty) for more answers to your questions. And go learn something new, stop being a drain on society and help someone out while you’re at it.

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