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Stop Asking Me Weird Crap

28 May

Leave more than a $5 tip if you suggest this.

So…I must have a friendly face or look like a priest because strangers tell me crap they really should not be telling me– pretty much on a daily basis.I don’t  want it to seem that I can’t keep a secret because I can. I’ve been tempted to write blogs about weird crap my friends have done…trust me, those entries would be amazing…but I don’t because I know them. It’s the freaks that tell me stuff while I’m trying to get their order at work or confess that their Mom thought they were gay—while we’re on a first date, that I will stick to.

Most of the weird stuff happens at my job. I’ve had a Grizzly Adams looking weirdo and his Olive Oil-esque girlfriend ask me IF they could ask me a “weird question.” Sure.

Grizz: My girlfriend is too shy to ask you this, but, uh we have a hotel room and we’d like to know if you want to be in a three way with us.

Really? I would like to think I could pull better than this gaggle of weirdos and what about me–in my work uniform–screams that’s a girls who wants to doink 2 other people at once? I declined and they left me $5…after asking a weird question like that I think I deserve more than 15%.

Three days later I was in Vegas. Anyone would need a vacation after that! While playing Sea Monkey Slots at the Bellagio, a man walked past me, backed up and zapped me with static electricity.

“Shocking, isn’t it,” was his lame conversation starter.

I am horrible at dealing with overly arrogant, for no good reason, men. He told me I should come up to his penthouse suite at the Wynn and I could join him in the jacuzzi. My ignorant self replied, “I didn’t bring my bathing suit.” “I didn’t want you to, ” he said. Seriously, I should have seen that coming. I told him I couldn’t because my friends were with me (and because I don’t make a habit of doing strange men.) He gave me his card and told me to call at 2AM. Of course I did NOT call but I did go back to my room and Google him.

Who was this Don Juan? Jack Burkman, who was in town for the Republican Nation Convention. He is also on the Committee for Family Values and has been in trouble for prostitution. What a dreamboat!

My last tale is not uncommon in my weird little world. A SUPER gay customer asked me one evening  if I would have his baby. No, not this dude:

EPIC GAYDAR FAIL: Sadly, I dated THIS for 4 years.

That guy is a whole separate entry that should be dedicated to my pitiful lack of gaydar. You live and learn…hopefully.

Anyway, the other gay dude who was yearning for my uterus said, “OMG! I want you to have my baby so it can be as sassy as you.” I responded, “you can’t breed this much sass.”

Every gay dude wants to knock me up. I have good genes and listen to Barbra Streisand, I’m a freakin’ catch in the gay world.

I could go on but I’ll save more weird yarns for when I’m short on topics to write about. No matter what, people will keep telling me weird, sick crap that will stay in my brain, even if I get the Alzheimer’s.

Circle Gets My Sqaure

23 Aug
“Muwwhahahaa, I am far more fabulous than you Marie!!”
So…am I the gay man’s only answer for procreation since Liza Minnelli, Cher, Bette Midler and Babs’ lady bits are all dried up and covered with cob webs?
I was at work today and my first table was a gay couple. I knew they were in love with me from the start. “O.M.G. We were just commenting on how your earrings go perfectly with your hair and your flawless skin.” Thank you for noticing queens. I actually told them, “Oh well I’ve got to do something since I’m pale and in California.” And pointed to my hair. Apparently that was hi-larious to them and they were eating out of my hands from then on. They said they wished I would have their kids.
To anyone else, that would be a shocking statement. Not to this moi. That’s the THIRD time that’s happened, at work. I’ve gotten it multiple times in my private life. The best one at work was a gay that said, “Have my baby!! I want it to be just as ssss-assy as you!” To which I responded, “You can’t breed this!”
I don’t mind it when gay men lust after my fantastic genetics and uterus. I can’t blame them since I love all the things old gay men love. One of my friends in my comedy writing class told me I was like Nathan Lane with tits. If I’m going to be compared to some old queen it better be someone better than Nathan Lane, someone with taste and wit and the right amount of bitchiness. Someone like, Paul Lynde.
Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, “Every woman I’ve been intimate with in my life has been…” What?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.
(Don’t know who he was? Yes you do. He was the center square in the original ‘Hollywood Squares’ Show, the dad from ‘Bye, Bye Birdie’, the voice of Tempelton the Rat in ‘Charlotte’s Web’ and most famously, Uncle Arthur on ‘Bewitched.’ (For those of you who saw the movie version of Bewitched, Steve Carrell did a great impersonation of him…basically the only good part in the whole thing!))
I suppose I should be flattered because if there weren’t gay dudes out there knocking up hot ladies there would never be a Liza Minnelli…I guess I’m Judy Garland in this situation. She was in love with Clark Gable, sang him an awesome song, then married a string of gay men….I guess I just need to write my song to some hot, older, salt and pepper dude to really get this ball rolling!
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