If It’s Not Scottish, It’s CRAP

13 Mar
I will admit, this made me like Steve Martin a little more.
So…St. Patty’s Day is upon us again. I HATE that “holiday” and I never have and NEVER will celebrate it. My Granny is from Scotland and has taught me from a young age to be fully insulted by anyone who thinks I’m Irish. I never wore green on that day, I was told to wear orange and I never got pinched because I was a giant and no one would mess with me. Her sister on the other hand taught me to hate, well, everyone, especially Pakistanis, but that’s another story. (As you might guess, we got along very well!)
To me Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick’s Day are interchangeable. Two days for people who 363 out of the year don’t give a crap about their culture and when they do it’s to get wasted and eat foods that make you fart like crazy. Yes I know, the Scots have haggis, but we also have Ross’s Edinburgh Castle Rock Candy.
Eat that you flithy Mick!
This candy was always brought over by visiting family members where it would get riped out of their hands and eaten like the sugar-crack addict I was/am.
Other than being better than Ireland in the confectionery sense, the next time you flush the toilet after puking all your nasty green beer up, you’re welcome. Signed, Alexander Cummings, inventor of the flush toilet, Beee-yaatch! I could list even more awesome Scotch inventions (refrigerator, telephone, lawnmower, insulin, the movies, hypodermic syringe, EKG, cloning) but I’ll take the high road and you… can be Irish.
Plus, I Love Lucy never went to Ireland.

*I couldn’t find a clip from the SNL skit ‘All Things Scottish” with Mike Myers, but that is what my blog title comes from, his store’s slogan.


4 Responses to “If It’s Not Scottish, It’s CRAP”

  1. MAYBELLINE March 13, 2010 at 6:03 PM #

    >http://www.lucyfan.com/photoweek113b.jpgTHIS is Scotland, you cheeky bisum. Do you suppose Mike Meyers could make a surprise guest appearance at the DBE?

  2. ÄsK AliCë March 21, 2010 at 3:47 PM #

    >I'm in sooo much trouble. My mum is English but my dad's dad was Scottish and his mum is Irish and Welsh.Which makes me a full out mutt…Who drinks too much and fights with herself.Although you'd be proud to know that I didn't ingest one single drop of green beer.

  3. Babe April 9, 2010 at 11:32 PM #

    >Oh, my lawd. Desi Arnaz in a kilt….I am Scots-Irish and (Austrian!) and I have NEVER had green beer! Ever. I don't drink beer. And if I did, it would not be green. But whiskey, that's another story. (not green, though)

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