Stupid Turds

21 Jul
Always Liz Lemon, never Tina Fey.

So…Right before I came in to write this blog I went to pour myself a glass of water, the lid popped off the Brita pitcher and dumped all over me. I had just taken a shower but fate decided I needed another shower of icy cold filtered goodness all over my chest. And yes, I cleaned it up with a dish rag that has cats printed all over it.

Tonight I served a family that wanted to keep drinking and I wanted to leave because I’m a very important and busy person, so I told them bars around Disney that they could go to.(Please note this entire conversation took place with me unaware that my shirt button was undone across my chest, yes I wore an undershirt, but it was still embarrassing.) The Dad seemed to think I was a party girl because I was so informative about where to drink near by, so I corrected him by informing him of my plans for this evening: going home, watching Law and Order and knitting. The Mom high fived me and said, “Wow, I bet your Mom never worries about you.” Why, because I’m not a raging alcoholic? Because I’m pathetic? Because I give good advice about all things southern California related? (And, my Mom does worry, because she’s a good Mom and that’s part of the job, or did you not get the memo?)

The week before I served a really nice family from Australia who chatted me up for a long time about what to do in LA then talked to me about how ugly Megan Fox looks with all her plastic surgery. I mentioned she is younger than me (she’s 24) and the Dad told me, “25…(sympathetically touched my arm) good for you.” What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

Why am I always Liz Lemon and never Tina Fey? Every time I look on Facebook everyone is so damn happy and I am getting consoled about being over the hill at 25!! I hate how people with, what I consider boring lives, are constantly spouting off statuses about how much they love their lives and how great everything is, they have hot boyfriends, go on great vacations, even their farts smell like perfume. Shut up. Are you actually happy or are you trying to convince yourself that you are? Whatever it is, you are annoying. My ultimate happy will one day trump their’s. Maybe it’s God giving me stuff to write about so that I can one day come out of my boring cocoon and flap, flap, flap, butterfly.

All of this crap I have to deal with now will be turned into golden, shimmering award winning funny and hot beefcakes will follow me around everywhere I go because I am amazing and have a great rack. (At least the last two things are already true!)
Things will start to look up for Old’ Liz Lemon, they have to….or else I’ll be writing this in a mental institution, on the back of an old banana peel.

One Response to “Stupid Turds”

  1. MAYBELLINE July 23, 2010 at 4:26 AM #

    >I would be delighted to provide a copy of that memo for you; but I believe you might be able to craft a much funnier version.

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