Weirdsmobile

2 Aug
So…I don’t really write about work too much because I try to de-stress afterwards to prevent my impending stroke. Like most servers I’m “not really a waitress” and I hate that I’m a cliche; serving tables and trying to be a writer. I will say that for someone who wants to write, serving is a great job because you see the freakiest people. For some reason they are all drawn, or sent to, to my section. I will share a few of these crazies with you. Some are actual weirdos and some are weird but super cool.
One, one over priced pizza! Ah, ah, ah.
I will start with some of my co-workers. For the most part I like the people I work with but for some reason we have a bunch of Romanians that work there and they are hilarious. They call me Roscata, which means redhead…for all I know it could actually mean fart face, but it sounds cool. One of  them is an older woman who is very pushy but I think she’s hilarious. I have heard her tell children “Hello, I am ___, from Transylvania, ah, ah ah.” She doesn’t know who Count von Count is from Sesame Street, so I’m left to think that all people from Romania talk like that TV character. The Romanians also are convinced everyone is a gypsy, not the gypsies, tramps and thieves, groovy, Cher kind, more like the kind that are missing limbs because they were caught stealing. I’m serious. I have a million stories about them because I remind the majority of them of a sister “back home” and when one of them found out I have Hungarian blood in me they were stoked and told me in Hungary they have a political party that is against gypsies. I love it.
Want to be my girlfriend?
Of course I have my fair share of hell babies that make my uterus want to dry up and blow away like a tumble weed in an old Western movie (that’s a whole other entry!) but then I get the kids that are like the kryptonite of cuteness. Little kids who think I’m The Little Mermaid, kids who teach me baby sign language, Dos Equis kid, and a bunch more I’m sure. But one kid sticks out in my head almost 2 year after serving him. This kid was about five years old and wanted to follow me around everywhere I went and since we were slow, I let him. While chatting with his family he kept lifting his shirt up like Tracy Jordan does on 30 Rock and it was cracking me up. He told me he’d give me a X-Box if I’d be his girlfriend. Then he up-ed it to a X-Box and $30. So if someone ever tells me I’m worthless I can say, “No, I’m worth at least $30 and a X-Box.” Thanks weird little kid.
Where can I hide money?
The last person I will leave you with is most assuredly a nut job, for realsies. He came upstairs during Christmas time, wandered around and refused to talk to our ex-general manager, I don’t blame him because he was a douche, and of course they put him where all trouble customers go, my section. Like I’m some kind of customer soothsayer or something. He gave me a bank envelope of all of his money and told me he’s not allowed to touch money, doctor’s orders. He ordered off the kids menu because that’s all he could afford and here are the rules I had to follow:
1. Only I could get his drinks and run his food.
2. I had to wash my hand each time before doing so.
3. I couldn’t walk past any bathroom with his food or drink.
4. The buss boys couldn’t clean near him.
5. I had to cut his food for him.
THEN after finishing his meal, and yes he was the LAST person there, he asked me where he could hide money. I have never been asked that. He said he wanted to hide money somewhere in Downtown Disney so when he comes back he could have his money. I use a wallet, it’s kind like peek-a boo with money but maybe this system works for him. He asked me if I could keep the money for him, no way. He paid, lurked around the restaurant some more, grabbed two kids menus to use as make shift gloves to keep germs away and bolted out the door. To this day my coworkers reference this guy as the weirdest person they’ve ever seen and are still amazed at how patient I was with him, especially for a $5 tip!
Oh yea, and vote for my photo so I can win a walk on role on Mad Men!!! My friend Dave took the photo and does really great work, check him out, especially if you need head shots all my Second City buddies!!
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2 Responses to “Weirdsmobile”

  1. MAYBELLINE August 6, 2010 at 3:57 AM #

    >Please write more here.

  2. L August 6, 2010 at 6:13 AM #

    >About what?

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