What Is Art?

23 Mar
Sid from ‘Toy Story’ grew up to be an artist.
So…I went on a mini-adventure with Roger today, we were searching for the answer to the question, “What is art?” We started at LACMA, which was under a ridiculous amount of construction–super enjoyable background noise while looking at art.
At first glance modern art makes me feel like a hick because I think it’s all ugly crap and maybe I’m not sophisticated enough to actually “get” it—then I look at it again and realized, no, society’s really just lowering the bar on all levels and it really is pure crap.


Knock, Knock. Who’s there? Don’t touch my effing door. Don’t touch my effing door who? Seriously, you touch my golden door again and I’ll snap your arm off.

Here we go again! Put some pants on Tom. Gah!

This painting brought me so much joy. See Heather, not everyone is stoked about wang. For eons women have been annoyed by them.

After walking around more modern and Asian art (why do they have a peaceful Buddha with an angry dragon in the same piece, kind of contradictory.) we went to the tar pits. A lot of people don’t know what the tar pits are, to which I ask them, do you not understand English? It’s pretty self explanatory. While we walked around the HUGE tar pit I commented to Roger that I didn’t believe this was the only spot in LA that had bubbling tar. I bet the buildings across the street are on top of tar as well. As I was explaining my theory we came across
THIS…
AND THIS…
AND THIS!!!

Clearly I was correct because there was tarry crap oozing up all over the place as stupid parents let their kids run all over the grass. Have fun getting that stain out of Jr’s slacks, stupid!
We walked over to the HUGE pit,with the cheesy Mastodon statues, and found the winner of the ‘What the Hell?’ award.


This dude walked the ENTIRE pit leaf blowing…nothing. I told Roger it would be our luck that we would witness this jag fall into the pit AND THEN have to do something to rescue him. I kid you not, as soon as I said that, this dumb bastard slips and ALMOST eats it into the pit. Then he turns, laughs and said, “I’m not going swimmin’ today!” Idiot.

I know what you’re thinking. Where are my random tar pit facts? Here you go!!
  • About 8 -12 gallons (32 – 48 liters) a day ooze and bubble to the surface,occasionally trapping invertebrates, reptiles, birds, small mammals  and occasionally large mammals (like clumsy gardeners) especially during warm days when the asphalt (tar) is softest.
  • This pit is 14 feet deep, so that gardener would have been totally screwed.
  • Also, palm trees are baller enough to grow in tar. Good for them.
We then proceed to do a photo shoot of pictures that would be in our version of a cheesy 1970s sitcom. Enjoy.
Come and knock on our door…..
We’ve been waiting for you…
Where the kisses are hers and hers and his,
Three’s company too.
Come and dance on on our floor……
Take a step that is new…..
We’ve a loveable space that needs your face,
Three’s company too.
You’ll see that life is a frolic and laughter is calling for you….Down at our rendez-vous,
Three’s company, too!!!!!!

Being that happy is exhausting, so we went for lunch at Canter’s Deli before heading to Hollywood Forever Cemetery. On the map online, it looks like a fairly small cemetery.
Nothing like the beast that is Forrest Lawn—boy was I wrong. Going to Hollywood Forever is like going to a library because EVERYTHING is jam packed…
Until you get to Douglas Fairbanks.
That sucker bought up an ENTIRE section.
Douglas Fairbanks Sr. (See, I told you he looked swarthy, Roger.)

The Sheik! Valentino’s crypt. I did not see any sign of “The Lady in Black.”
She is a mysterious woman who visits his tomb. No one knows if she was a lover, wife…fascinating.

Marion Davies tomb was really hard to find because it’s not marked Davies, it’s marked DOVRAS, her real last name. I walked all over the place trying to find her and when we did, we couldn’t even peak in. Crap. And, no, she is not buried with Baller Status Hearst. Double lame.

Everyone knows Estelle Getty! (Why there are rocks on her headstone, I do not know.)
Picture it. Sicily. 1900. An olive skin woman sets out for the new world. On her journey, the ship is filled with all sorts of diseases like smallpox, consumption, and scurvy. And that was in the business class. ” -Sophia on The Golden Girls
“I’m ready for my close up Mr. DeMille.”
“Young Fella”-DeMille’s term for Gloria Swanson.
Below is the real deal, just so you know what we were really going for. Not as good as Carol Burnett, but pretty close.
“You see, this is my life! It always will be! Nothing else! Just us, the cameras, and those wonderful people out there in the dark!… All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.” -Norma Desmond
By the way, DeMille, Valentino and Swanson were ALL HUGE celebrities at the same time and worked in many silent films together.

Is that you Agent 99?
At Don Adams’ grave, he was in the original ‘Get Smart’ TV show. 


Doing my best Hattie Mc Daniel.
“Miss Scarlett whar you goin’ with out yo shawl with the night air fixin’ to set it? Come on in hare before you catch yo death-a dampness.” -Mammy in Gone With The Wind.

We didn’t get to see everyone we wanted to see. It’s to be continued!

So…did we find an answer to our question? We learned that good art is,typically, made by people who are dead.
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4 Responses to “What Is Art?”

  1. Nicole March 23, 2011 at 2:57 PM #

    >It's a Jewish custom/tradition to put rocks on a grave/marker like we would put flowers. I don't know why and I'm too lazy to Wikipedia it. Get busy on your next post so I have something interesting to read, for once. 🙂

  2. MAYBELLINE March 23, 2011 at 10:03 PM #

    >Glad to see your Oildale roots came in handy spotting the ooze. Reminds me of the lawn surrounding the NHS swimming pool.Will you attend a movie at the cemetary?

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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  2. Lions and Tigers and Daddy Bears, OH MY! « - October 30, 2011

    […] a charity event for the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. He and I are very familiar with that place…very. After going through a list of costume ideas with Roger, we finally […]

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