STOP…Hammer Time

19 May

My camera's battery crapped out, enjoy my blurry photos...actually have a drink then read this and they won't be blurry!

So…does anyone know where Chris is? No, Ok. I’ll tell his tale later on.

Last Saturday my roommate Heather’s Mom& John took us out for a “surprise”  birthday treat. Heather was convinced I knew where we were going but unlike our ex-govenator, I’m not a good liar, so I didn’t know. I was hoping we’d end up at Nibblers, a diner that was once Denny’s in the heart of Downtown LA, right off the 101.

Heather actually was super excited, she just thinks pictures steal your soul.

My dreams of nibblin’ down at Nibblers were shattered and we ended up at Fabiolus Cafe, no one had ever been and didn’t know what to expect. I ended up having some awesome risotto, Heather had some sea food pasta thing and Suz & John had chicken-y pasta—plus extra garlic for Suzanne, she hates vampires. We shared some desserts and then had to leave for a show.

Are you crazy? I don't drink wine, only vodka.

A show? What show? I didn’t know Heather liked musicals, which is pretty much the only thing that plays at the Pantages.  They ended up getting us tickets to see Chelsea Handler, Heather is a huge fan. I like her show, but I read one of her books and thought she was a slut…and we all know how much I LOVES me some sluts.

The parking lot was packed fulled of whorish weirdos…I really wish my camera battery was working at this point in time. I saw a girl who looked like a human parrot, plenty of chubsters in dresses so tight they looked like little sausages, waiting to burst out of their self-induced links, then I saw the piece de resistance. Picture this:a chick who looks ready for a night out. She has full hair and makeup done, platform high heels, a skanky black top and after all that work she decides, “eff it” and puts on Hammer Pants. True, maybe she’s too legit, too legit to quit, but I highly doubt that. And you can be certain that I danced like MC Hammer behind her on the way into the theater.

Sound the bell, school’s in SUCKA!

I thought I was in for ‘Bridesmaids’ Redux with this crowd so Suz and I headed for the bar, because I needed a drink to deal with this much skank-a-tude. After waiting long enough for John to get fed up and join us, we made it to the front of the line. John and Suzanne shared the world’s smallest glass of wine and I had a double lemon drop—I don’t mess around, I really hate being in the vicinity of sluts.

I hope that wine was a double.

Here's to you sluts. Thanks for giving it away for free so the guys can save up to buy me a steak.

Heather watched the first comedian, ginger Jew Brad Wollack, and we joined her when Heather McDonald came on stage. She does a very good Celine Dion. Josh Wolfe was next and he was surprisingly hilarious. I did not know he was since he normally gets stomped on during ‘Chelsea Lately’ by all the women. He even made a comment about how kids today don’t dance, they just hump on the dance floor…it’s not just me that’s annoyed by sluttiness!

Chelsea was hilarious. I did not think I was going to like her and I LOVED her. She was great. The jokes were well written and I laughed my butt off. I would see her again, for sure. She was only on for about 45 minutes and no encore because she was going to sign books.

As we walked down the stairs to the lobby this drunk girl walked in front of us and screamed, “Chris! Chris! Chris!….Where’s Chris? Chris!” John decided to join in and walked all over the lobby yelling, “Chris,” this continued as we walked outside as well.

Every bar was packed, so we went across the street to the new W Hotel and got a table at Delphine’s. It was a really cute place and had REALLY strong drinks. We shared a few appetizers, including awesome mac and cheese which I am now paying for. Thanks dairy!

One year older.

Over all it was a really fun night and it ended on the perfect note…for me that is. On the way back to the car I walked next to some Sistas who were complaining about being hungry, this is their EXACT conversation, I could not make this up if I tried but am glad I was there to hear it:

Gurl#1:Uhh, I’m huuuungry.

Gurl#2: Guuuuurl,let’s go to Roscoe’s. They always be crackin’.

Gurl#1: Uh-UH! I’m tured of Roscoe’s.

Gurl#2 is correct, Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles is always crackin’, even I, the queen of all white girls, knows that.

Also, do you enjoy the detail on John’s shirt as much as he does?

"Look, Look at the detail. Take a picture of it."


One Response to “STOP…Hammer Time”

  1. Suzanne Blender May 19, 2011 at 11:44 PM #

    Gurl. . .you write a fine blog! Hope the sistas don’t track you down, though! I bet they ended up at Nibblers along with Chris.

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