Look For The Silver Lining

22 May

Snap Into A Raputre *Actual Photo From Heaven*

So…I’m still here. And trust me, at 6PM, I was praying for Jesus to be on time because I was dealing with a table from hell. (They found our Diet Coke to be unsatisfactory, explained to me how much the carbonation level should be-as if I gave a crap- and then told me they “could only drink Diet Coke and nothing else.” Really, then you probably have fake teeth if you only drink soda, you nasty, Poligrip wearing freaks.)

After 6 PM, my co-workers and I started talking about the epic fail of the Rapture. I thought that we were all unholy and the only one holy enough was Raptured up a day early. Who would that magnificent angel be you ask? Macho Man Randy Savage, of course. We all seemed to be in agreement on that topic. Then we thought, oh crap, that means we’ve got to do battle with some kind of horrible creature. A raptor is what we decided, since it rhymed with rapture. If I everhave to battle raptors, I want the ghost of Bea Arthur on my side.

The uncompromising,anything but tranquilizing, raptor killin---right on Bea!

The night went on and I told the story of what my young self wanted as my background music when I go to Heaven…Queen.  And that is true, I am not making it up. I was about 11 years old and hanging out at my best friend Cassie’s house when I mentioned that I wanted the sweet, angelic sounds of Queen to be my soundtrack into Heaven. Her parents thought it was hilarious. Then a friend of mine told me about a book where this little kid sees Heaven while he’s in surgery. Apparently this little kid talked to Jesus, who’s hanging out with some angels—like Jesus does—and asks Jesus if they could sing him some Queen. And Jesus says NO!  That’s some bullcrap. Seriously, no? Thank God that kid was 3 years old because I would have tacked on to that request, “And I want pre-AIDS  Freddie Mercury with the long, angelic, flowing hair to serenade me.” I would like to think Jesus would be cool enough to get me Freddie Mercury…and by the time I die, all of Queen for that matter. If I’m wrong, well, then I’m going to Hell for saying this but since that Rapture didn’t happen, at least I can go to normal Hell. Silver Lining!

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