Stop Asking Me Weird Crap

28 May

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So…I must have a friendly face or look like a priest because strangers tell me crap they really should not be telling me– pretty much on a daily basis.I don’t  want it to seem that I can’t keep a secret because I can. I’ve been tempted to write blogs about weird crap my friends have done…trust me, those entries would be amazing…but I don’t because I know them. It’s the freaks that tell me stuff while I’m trying to get their order at work or confess that their Mom thought they were gay—while we’re on a first date, that I will stick to.

Most of the weird stuff happens at my job. I’ve had a Grizzly Adams looking weirdo and his Olive Oil-esque girlfriend ask me IF they could ask me a “weird question.” Sure.

Grizz: My girlfriend is too shy to ask you this, but, uh we have a hotel room and we’d like to know if you want to be in a three way with us.

Really? I would like to think I could pull better than this gaggle of weirdos and what about me–in my work uniform–screams that’s a girls who wants to doink 2 other people at once? I declined and they left me $5…after asking a weird question like that I think I deserve more than 15%.

Three days later I was in Vegas. Anyone would need a vacation after that! While playing Sea Monkey Slots at the Bellagio, a man walked past me, backed up and zapped me with static electricity.

“Shocking, isn’t it,” was his lame conversation starter.

I am horrible at dealing with overly arrogant, for no good reason, men. He told me I should come up to his penthouse suite at the Wynn and I could join him in the jacuzzi. My ignorant self replied, “I didn’t bring my bathing suit.” “I didn’t want you to, ” he said. Seriously, I should have seen that coming. I told him I couldn’t because my friends were with me (and because I don’t make a habit of doing strange men.) He gave me his card and told me to call at 2AM. Of course I did NOT call but I did go back to my room and Google him.

Who was this Don Juan? Jack Burkman, who was in town for the Republican Nation Convention. He is also on the Committee for Family Values and has been in trouble for prostitution. What a dreamboat!

My last tale is not uncommon in my weird little world. A SUPER gay customer asked me one evening  if I would have his baby. No, not this dude:

EPIC GAYDAR FAIL: Sadly, I dated THIS for 4 years.

That guy is a whole separate entry that should be dedicated to my pitiful lack of gaydar. You live and learn…hopefully.

Anyway, the other gay dude who was yearning for my uterus said, “OMG! I want you to have my baby so it can be as sassy as you.” I responded, “you can’t breed this much sass.”

Every gay dude wants to knock me up. I have good genes and listen to Barbra Streisand, I’m a freakin’ catch in the gay world.

I could go on but I’ll save more weird yarns for when I’m short on topics to write about. No matter what, people will keep telling me weird, sick crap that will stay in my brain, even if I get the Alzheimer’s.

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2 Responses to “Stop Asking Me Weird Crap”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Party On, Wayne « - June 6, 2011

    […] whatever the hell he wants to. Maybe he can teach me how to NOT attract gay men who aren’t out of the closet. That would be […]

  2. Shut Your Mouth Right Now « - November 29, 2011

    […] So…yet again, I’m surrounded by knuckle dragging morons who insist on telling me stupid crap. Maybe there is something about my face that makes them think that I  give two sh*ts about whatever they’re flappin’ their yaps about,  but whatever it is needs to change. […]

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