Party On, Wayne

6 Jun

SCHWING! Clark Gable, Van Heflin, Gary Cooper and James Stewart. I'd go to this party.

So…tonight on twitter Alec Baldwin played the Dinner Party Game. EXCELLENT! I love that game! And I’m VERY well acquainted with it, I use it to find out how interesting a person is—or isn’t.  Basically, you make a list of people, living or dead, that you want to have dinner with. (If I haven’t played it with you yet, the pressure’s on. Impress me.)

Baldwin’s version started with 5 people:

1. Jesus

2. Jesus’ Aramaic Interpreter (I’m pretty sure the SON OF GOD doesn’t need an interpreter but, I’m not an expert on Jesus.)

3. Julia Child

4. Beethoven

5. Christopher Walken

Based on the rules (5 people ONLY), this party looks awesome…yea right, and monkeys could fly out of my butt! Alec Baldwin is super smart, funny and charming– is it that he wants to be the ONLY one with those qualities at the party? I couldn’t fault him for that but invite a hot chick for maximum results!

He threw the rules to the wind and continued on with the list, making it a party. (If I were playing the game with him, I’d make him stick to the 5 person rule…I have a thing about rules.)

6. Charles Dickens

7. Lincoln or JFK

8.  Roberta Flack

9. Duke Ellington-to play the piano

10. Jean George or Mario Batali to cook

11. Mike Nichols to tell stories

12. Tina Fey, just because she’ s Tina (I can appreciate that!)

-And Jesus to make the dishes disappear (Jesus is already there, now you’re making him to the dishes…really, dying for your sins isn’t enough? You’d better not leave the dishes streaky, Jesus!)

13. Barbra Streisand to sing AND tell stories

14. Winston Churchill for the stories AND cigars

15. Billy Joel for the piano AND he’s funny (Isn’t Duke Ellington already tickling the ivories?)

16. Gable, bc he’s my favorite movie star (I will forgive your horrible rule following skills because of this choice. More on Gable when I list my FIVE.)

17. Graham Greene for the conversation

18. Noel Coward

19. And Julia Roberts is my date (Really? I am using my judgmental Bea Arthur face right now.)

20. Jesus only shows up to drive me home. I want that chat in private. (Giving Jesus a task again? Cut him some slack, man!)

What Alec didn’t mention is, what the hell are they going to eat? Clean up your list Baldwin and get back to me.

MY TURN

Clark, pass the ketchup would ya?

My dinner party is straight up BALLER. Everyone’s going to want to go to this party. Why? I’m setting it at Hearst Castle, no one’s going home until the morning and they won’t even want to!  A midnight dip in the pool and their drunk asses can crawl up to their private bedrooms during the wee hours of the morning. I know what you’re thinking…EXCELLENT!

What would we be eating? Basque food. Basque food exists mainly in two places, the Pyrenees and Bakersfield, CA.  Other than family, Basque food is one of the few reasons I go back to Bakersfield. (I’m too pale for that town.) If you’ve ever had it, you love it, if you haven’t…go to Bakersfield, or my dinner party.

I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy!

1. Clark Gable: SCHWING! He’s a total babe and can talk about whatever the hell he wants to. Maybe he can teach me how to NOT attract gay men who aren’t out of the closet. That would be awesome.

Jack Lemon.

2. Jack Lemon: Since I know he can tango till dawn, I expect a lesson. He’s adorable and funny!

Mel Brooks seduced Mrs. Robinson with his humor, he's in.

3. Mel Brooks: Don’t be stupid be a smarty, come and join my Dinner Party! It’s freakin’ Mel Brooks, of course he’s coming. Hopefully he’ll give me some comedy writing pointers.

TR, most Baller of them all!

4. Theodore Roosevelt: The best Roosevelt; charismatic, great speaker, smart, streetwise and a cowboy. No President was better, not even FDR and I’m freakin’ related to that guy.

I Am Legend. Don't even think about messing with me.

5. Lauren Bacall: I needed a woman- it was starting to be a sausage fest-and she’s awesome. I read her autobiography when I was 13 (See, I’ve always been “weird” and loved classic film trivia), she’s a great actress, was married to Bogart and engaged to Sinatra. She’s also my name sake and is great at verbally slamming people… in case someone gets a little too lippy at the party, she can handle them.

And that is my five.

If I play by Baldwin’s rules I would add this:

Look at those big blue eyes!

Entertainment: Sinatra.

Duke Ellington, Billy Jole? Pff. Chairman of the Board, baby. There is no other choice. He is an entertainer in every sense of the word. Hell, he was even a booze hound, so I’m sure he can bar tend a little too.

On second thought, it would probably only be Scotch on the rocks… he can just stick to the entertaining.

And Shirley MacLaine can read your fortune.

After seeing my choices I know you’re dying to come, Alec. So, you can be my date. I’m not sure  if you can handle how amazing this night is going to be, but try. Also, when Gable seduces me and I go back to his room, don’t get upset. With my luscious rack, it’s inevitable, I’m just giving you a heads up.

Party on, Garth.

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2 Responses to “Party On, Wayne”

  1. MAYBELLINE June 6, 2011 at 6:10 AM #

    Ha. I was expecting to read about someone named Wayne.

  2. MAYBELLINE June 16, 2011 at 9:39 PM #

    Q: Why is it so difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and handsome?
    A: They already have boyfriends?

    An example of funny but sad.

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