30 Jun

So…my name doesn’t rhyme with anything. My Mom did that on purpose because her’s does and I’m sure she got sick of people rhyming it. That didn’t stop people from forcing freakin’ weird names on me.


What does this name mean and where did it come from? I have no clue. My Dad called me that as a kid, I even had it embroidered on a magenta sweatshirt. Jealous?


In the late 1990s Jon Stewart made up a character on the Daily Show called Smaptie. Smaptie would write in around Christmastime and ask questions such as, “Why we get no presents fancy?” It was hilarious when I was in middle school and my best friend thought so too. We took to calling each other Smaptie from then on. (No, I cannot find a link on youtube.)


My Granny will call me everyone else’s name, including animals’, before she finally reaches my name. She has always done this…with everyone.  Basically, just pay attention when she’s talking and you’ll be OK.

Butthead/Fart sniffer/Buttlicker

My littler brother would call me a cornucopia of names, mostly involving butts around/near my face. Then he would run away and scream like a wussy because he knew I was about to pound on him. I mean look at him, then look at me—I was EIGHT in this photo and even without sweet the Cinnabon  hair-do, I was way taller than him. He didn’t have a chance…Turd.

Red on the Head/Red

When I had red hair, actually, people still call me these now—without red hair. Clearly, Mr. Bojangles doesn’t give a crap about any of this, and certainly not about taking a JC Penny’s style portrait in front of our Christmas tree. Whatever Bojangles.

Babydoll McGoldberg

I dated a guy who called me this. He couldn’t believe there was actually someone of Scottish and Jewish decent. It’s true, it is possible to be, genetically, uber frugal.

Brat/ B.B.(Beautiful Brat)

The majority of my voice mails from Grandma start off, “Hey Brat.” It doesn’t sound very loving, but it is. I asked her why she calls me this, “Because you’re beautiful and your my brat.” Ah, thank you for clarifying.


2 Responses to “Nickname-afication”

  1. Suzanne Blender June 30, 2011 at 5:08 PM #

    Cute. . .and funny!!

  2. BabyCakes June 30, 2011 at 6:44 PM #

    Haha, that’s funny! Booch reminds me of Hooch, and Hooch is crazy…

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