I’m Just A Poor Girl, Nobody Loves Me

1 Jul

Story of my life.

So…I already hate this post and I’m 8 words into it. The topic for day 3 is your first love. Blergh. Please know that this guy is a steaming pile of dog crap in human form. (SPOILER ALERT:  things did not end well.)Everything on this topic is real life, not fantasy, no matter how ridiculous it may seem.

I didn’t start dating until I was 18 and it wasn’t for lack of trying. Apparently I was/am “intimidating.” What the hell ever. I also had zero gaydar and you’ll see how that could have saved me from this mess.

I went away to college and for the first time a guy I thought was cute, liked me back. He was “metro,” let me call the shots on almost everything and didn’t watch sports. I was a Marketing major and he was a Engineering student. Great, he could help me with math!

About engineers: They have ZERO social skills. I had to teach this fool manners, etiquette, history, movies and hygiene. More annoying than that, I had to explain jokes on ‘Family Guy’ to him.  He would laugh at them all but had no clue why they were funny or what they were referencing. IDIOT!

His mother is bat sh*t crazy. I have NEVER met a parent that disliked me, ever, until her. She’s a hardcore, super judgmental Baptist who disliked me before we ever met. To quote her, “She’s not Christian enough, I pray you break up.” I’m sure that’s what Jesus would say, right? I should have tagged myself out of the relationship at that exact point in time.

The only photo where he doesn’t look super gay, at his brother’s wedding (aka the best-worst wedding I will ever go to–an entire entry in itself.)

After two years, we moved into an apartment with my best friend, Harry. I do not recommend that—unless you want to hate everything about the person you date. Harry’s girlfriend’s first memories of me are yelling at my boyfriend to brush his teeth. He seemed to think once a day was fine, I said twice a day minimum. But what did I know, I only had one cavity and he has FIVE FAKE TEETH!

Other fights included: who’s prettier(He was adamant that he was, I laughed until he cried.), John Wayne isn’t a great American figure (Harry and I verbally ripped him to shreds on that one.), and animals don’t have souls (What kind of evil butthole thinks that?) Also, he cried more than me, it was super annoying.

To be fair, I wasn’t perfect either. After asking him three times to trim his out of control, butt crack Afro, I’d had enough. While he took a nap, I put bright green spearmint gum in it. (It was freakin’ hilarious!)

That summer he went off to do an internship and wanted a break (I effing hate that term)for summer so he could “find himself.” He then moved in with the grossest, most white trash group of guys. All of whom doinked the same girls, who I like to refer to as spunk dumpsters.

And, like idiots, we got back together.

Happy Graduation…for 3 more hours.

I graduated on June 9th, right on schedule, unlike him. My family, Harry and dude went to the ceremony. Afterwards we all went to lunch, that my parents so kindly paid for. It was a hot afternoon, so after we got home I went to my room to take a nap in my undies. Dummy came in and said, “Hey, I’m going home.” I told him to go play X-Box, I’d made reservations for all my friends to go out and have dinner to celebrate.

Him: I want to break up.

Me: No, I’m taking a nap.

While trying to look at my tits, he reiterates his statement. (As you can see, ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ hit a little too close to home .)

I didn’t understand why he couldn’t have done it a week before or after, but ON my graduation day, of which I will only ever have ONE!  Who does that?

He sealed the deal by saying, “You’re not pretty enough, smart enough, you’re ugly on the inside and out and it’d be better if you were dead because you’ll never get over me.” I opened the door, told him to get the hell out and went in to inform Harry I was single…he was napping, at least someone was!

Numb nuts and Harry: Guess who hasn’t made out with dudes?

I was very upset (mostly that I wasn’t the one to end it.) I also found out that he made out with dudes but “wasn’t gay.” Bull crap and I was NOT surprised at all.  A few years later a Navy recruiter called to interview Harry and I as a background references for him. I told her everything, after she was done she closed her folder and said, “Off the record, you’re better off. He sounds like a real asshole.” He made it into the Navy, where I’m sure he’s living out his dream, being surrounded by seamen.

In the end I learned how to tune into my gaydar better, what I do NOT want in a boyfriend and have a bunch of hilarious stories about stupid crap he said/did that I can use in scripts. I’m single and happy now. I don’t regret it– I just wish I could have ended it earlier.

Keeping in the ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ theme, here’s the Muppet version of Bohemian Rhapsody.

And for the purists:

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16 Responses to “I’m Just A Poor Girl, Nobody Loves Me”

  1. MAYBELLINE July 1, 2011 at 7:38 AM #

    Suggestion:
    Village People – In the Navy
    Glad Jesus answered her prayer.

  2. Suz July 1, 2011 at 2:33 PM #

    Even though I’ve heard all this before, it’s super funny to read! And thanks for the “purist” version. . .love it!!

  3. BabyCakes July 1, 2011 at 11:20 PM #

    I second what Suz said. And the last picture/caption made me laugh out loud! Too funny…

  4. Tristachio July 3, 2011 at 2:25 PM #

    That’s hillarious because I had a boyfriend once who was just like that — who refused to be clean. For godsakes, how hard is it to be clean?

    I also had a boyfriend I dated for “three months” until he told me “Jesus says we should probably not date anymore because I want to date other people.”

    But this was a funny post and I’m glad I found your blog!

    • L July 4, 2011 at 4:11 AM #

      I read your blog as well…hilarious!! Our clip art versions of ourselves could be sisters!

  5. Miss Sassy Pants July 4, 2011 at 1:15 AM #

    Oh. My. God. You put gum in his buttcrack hair? I wish I’d done that to my ex boyfriend, because that is an awesome idea.

    And don’t worry, I’ve definitely done the, “I really hate you but let’s get back together anyway” thing like 3 times.

    And I absolutely HATE guys who cry more than me. That drives me batshit crazy.

    • L July 4, 2011 at 4:10 AM #

      What I didn’t mention about the gum incident was how I removed it…with nail clippers. Why? Because they tug on the hairs before they cut through them!!!

    • Laini Giles February 15, 2017 at 11:21 AM #

      Ugh. Another of the “I hate you, let’s get back together” people. But, on the plus side, it’s helping me get in the mindset for the Marie Prevost novel I’m currently trying to write, since she and Kenneth Harland did that 3 times. Life experience, for the win! 😀

      On the plus side, we gotta hang out. Gum in the buttcrack? Genius!

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