Get It Right, Get It Tight

14 Jul

I feel great compared to this!!

So…I’m supposed to write about how I feel regarding my body. I’m so stoked about this topic that I’ve waited until 11PM to start.

Compared to the Fatty Fattertons I see mowing through a 20 inch pizza-single handed- at work, I feel amazing. Then I drive into LA or read a magazine and feel like a beast compared to the walking skeletons I see. I go to the gym and eat alright…I’d love my body more if it would let me eat dairy!

I used to hate my porcelain skin but I like it now. Why? I’m going to age a MILLION times better than the girls trying to tan. Enjoy that plastic surgery bill ladies!

WOW, what a whore.

And lastly, I’m happy I don’t have any tattoos and I won’t be getting any. (Remember, I hate needles.) I’m sure most people will regret their tattoo choices later in life…like Kelly from the photo above.


3 Responses to “Get It Right, Get It Tight”

  1. Suz July 15, 2011 at 11:54 AM #

    Please tell me there’s some Photoshop going on with the Fatty FatterTONS! Ahhhh!!!

  2. MAYBELLINE July 15, 2011 at 2:03 PM #

    Dearest Kelly (Don’t know if you’re able to read but it’s worth a shot, sister):
    What makes you thinks that Mr. Phallic gives one flying hoot what your mama named you? Furthermore (Please read with sarcastic tone.), your mama must be ever so proud of you, darlin’.

    Dearest L: Don’t forget that your mama made you perfect and none of this nonsense you see with the Fattersons and the Olive Oyls is good. Stay healthy and perfect just like your mama made you. Bet Kelly wishes she had a mama like yours. And who, exactly, wouldn’t?

    Just a curiosity – how do those Fatterson gals clean, you know, where things really need to get cleaned? I’m thinking there is some kind of car wash that would accommodate them. They could take turns laying in the bed of the truck as it drives through the scrubbing bubble magic.

    • MAYBELLINE July 15, 2011 at 5:59 PM #

      One additional thought – what must be the condition of the feet of the Fatterson gals? Gross.

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