Park In The Parkway

19 Jul

I'm an excellent driver, I park in the parkway and drive in the driveway.

So…day’s topic is “what if.” This is a game we would play in screenwriting class. Best example: What if there was a theme park with dinosaurs? BOOM. Jurassic Park is made.

I hate you for taking me back to the Vet. I will randomly bite your ankles later.

The first thing I thought of was, what if animals could talk? That would be pretty awesome. Mr. Bojangles talks ALL the time, sometimes I kind of know what he wants, other times…I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about. Like right now, he’s chirping (he doesn’t really meow) about something on my bed. I’d like to think he has a pompous British accent and is making snide remarks about how stupid my blog is…but in reality, he’s probably saying he wants a rub down. The best example of animals speaking is Doug the Dog in ‘Up,’ but here’s another cute clip of what dogs talking might be like:

What if I could tell the people at my tables exactly what I thought? Well, I’d get fired, but if I could say what I pleased without that, it would be glorious. Please know, most of the people that come into my work act like Dustin Hoffman from ‘Rain Man.’ They don’t know what they want, who they are, what’s on the menu, or what year it is. What they do know is they want me to use my psychic powers, figure out what they want, and get it to them in 10 minutes so they can leave and get a primo spot just in time to watch the fireworks. Ideally, I’d start off by shoving whatever stupid butthole is standing in the walkway. It’s a WALK way, not a STAND way. I would tell Dads who don’t know what their children want to drink that they are just walking sperm donors because they are incapable of making such a simple decision. Milk, Juice or Soda, figure it out! Fat people and teenagers who pound their soda before I set the rest of the table’s drinks down, this is not a kegger! Each glass is 120 calories plus the bread and oil and all the pasta you’re about to eat…come on,take it down a notch, chubs. White women. I hate you, yeah I’m one of them, I can say it. You are my least favorite group of people to serve. Sure, Canadians don’t tip, nor do the Australians but at least they are nice! Your condescending attitude to everyone is why you are single or why your husband is humping me with his eyes when you’re in the restroom with your devil babies.  I could continue but I’m in a good mood, so I’ll quit while I still am. (Everything from the clip below has happened to every server I’ve ever met.)

FACT: Cleopatra was NOT a hottie, Liz Taylor did her a HUGE favor because everyone now thinks she actually looked that way.

What if conquering civilizations didn’t destroy the history of the fallen country? I like to watch the National Geographic Channel while I nap and the other day there was a new documentary on about Cleopatra. Apparently, after she killed herself, the Romans came in and pretty much scratched her hieroglyphed name off of everything. (And then an earthquake shook the royal palace and Cleo’s tomb into the ocean, never to be found.) I know, “to the victor goes the spoils” but I sure would have liked to have known more about her and other ancient societies.

This is actually a real photo of a new art piece in Chicago, IL.

What if Marilyn Monroe hadn’t died young? Would everyone finally see how crappy an actress she really was? Would she go the way of Joan Rivers and be super into plastic surgery OR would she go the way of Courtney Love and be a dirty druggie?

What if Teddy Roosevelt had decided to run for a second term? For those of you who don’t know the story of how TR got to be President, I’ll tell you. He was the Vice President under McKinley. A few months into that presidency, William McKinley was assassinated, making TR the top dog. Teddy ran for office and won four years later. After that term, he was asked to run again but considered his first term to be the one where he took over for McKinley and didn’t join the presidential race. Taft won that year and effed up everything TR had done, the way most fat bastards do.

Anyway, that decision he made NOT to run is regarded as the biggest mistake he ever made. If he had run we might have entered WWI sooner and stomped all over the Kaiser faster than we ended up doing. Who knows what other bad ass things TR could have done. But he should have taken his own advice from that quote above.








One Response to “Park In The Parkway”

  1. MAYBELLINE July 19, 2011 at 8:05 AM #

    I want that dog and Sparky too.

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