I Bet You Think This Post Is About You…Don’t You?

23 Jul

THINK about this next time you don't wash your hands...then wash them, idiot.

So…something I learned is the day’s topic. I learn new things everyday. Plus, I already post a new daily factoid on this site. I’m guessing this has to be a little more broad.

How’s this for a sweeping statement about what I’ve learned; everyone doesn’t think like me. I’m sure you think that’s also incredibly vain, it’s not. I don’t think I’m perfect or anything like that, I just forget that things I think are common knowledge when talking to others…aren’t. It’s taken me a while to realize that  people are  inconsiderate, stupid assholes AND proud of it. This past month I’ve ran into people my age who didn’t know what the word muggy (:being warm and damp) meant and had never heard ‘I Left My Heart In San Francisco.’ These people make me want to slam my head against a brick wall. The way I look at learning is as follows: 1.) It’s free and like an all you can eat buffet, I’ll go back for more because I can 2.) Learning about a variety of topics will help me when I talk to others and potentially get a new job OR get more money at the job I’m currently at 3.) I will always understand whatever is being referenced in a joke and 4.) I never look like a damn fool who doesn’t know what muggy means! Jesus.

I’m smart enough to know I’m not the most brilliant person, but I am smarter than the average bear. Which has lead me to wonder…what do others think about? I used to ask this idiot what he was thinking and he would always say, “Nothing.”  “Impossible,” I would think, “I always have a million different things I am thinking about or should be thinking about, how can he think about nothing?”

For some people, they really and truly actually just sit there…and exist. To those people I say, let your gene pool end with you. I’m sorry, let me be more clear, don’t have kids–ever.

I don’t even want to get onto the topic of cleanliness, I’d be here all day. Compared to my Joan Crawford clean freak of a father, I’m a slob BUT compared to past roommates, I’m the Saint of Soft Scrub Bleach. (Leaving bowls of cereal in your room until they turn green is SICK.)

Recently I’ve been told by multiple people that I’ve “changed their life.” Wow, that sounds awesome, right? Bully (an adjective meaning excellent; splendid) for them. I wish someone would come and change mine for the better too, but that would require others to do some kind of work, and what have we all learned here? That’s right, don’t depend on others because people are lazy and stupid and don’t want to exert the effort to help out. I’m sick of doing all the work, maybe I should act stupid too. As my luck would have it, I’d probably get a better job, a boyfriend and have some awesome life changing event. Maybe ignorance really is bliss.

Bea Arthuring, the name of my judgmental look when I think about you.

I’m sure while reading this post many of you might be thinking, “OMG, is she talking about me?” If you think I am, then sure, yes I am. Listen to the sweet sounds of  Carly Simon (ugh, and Mick Jagger as they sing about Warren Beatty) for more answers to your questions. And go learn something new, stop being a drain on society and help someone out while you’re at it.

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2 Responses to “I Bet You Think This Post Is About You…Don’t You?”

  1. Suzanne Blender July 24, 2011 at 12:29 PM #

    Yes!! I did think this post was about me! However, at least I know what “muggy” means. . .geez.

  2. Facetious Firecracker August 1, 2011 at 12:36 PM #

    This is fantastic. I hate when I use a word that might appear on a fourth grade vocabulary test and I get blank stares. Also, I love Bea Arthur.

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