Sunrise, Sunset

7 Jan

So…after four weeks of my job working me so hard that I thought I was a grape picker, I got a day off. Since the holidays (that I didn’t get to experience) were done, it was time…Adventure time with Roger!

There was a list of things we wanted to do, but narrowed it down to a new celebrity cemetery we’d never been to. Luckily for Roger, this one didn’t have any geese!

Westwood Memorial Park (Clearly, not from my camera.)

We went to Westwood Memorial Park, which is right below Wilshire near UCLA. “Wow, how easy for us, we know exactly where that is, ” we stupidly thought. This cemetery is completely hidden, there’s only a small sign indicating it’s existence.  It’s surrounded by a neighborhood, a church, a school and HUGE business buildings. Needless to say, we totally got lost in the neighborhood and thought we’d gone crazy because my GPS showed we were near the cemetery, but there was no sign of it.

Since we’d never been there, Roger was afraid they might kick us out if they thought we looked like touristy riff-raffs, so I wore my star of David necklace to calm him down. (Because, clearly that would make me look more legitimate as a cemetery goer? Whatever, it made him feel safer, I wore it.)

This place has been in business since the 1880’s and there were some really old plots. As we entered, the first grave we saw was this one.

Celebrity tombstones that have the name, dates and then mother/father/true pal are boring and don’t tell us, the fans who will actually visit the graves, what the person was all about. Don Knotts, A+ my friend. People 100 years from now will know your body of work from this slab of metal.

We saw Mel Tormé and headed over to the mausoleums. The first one smelled a little funky and Roger said, “It’s dead Jews.”  I didn’t believe him, but he insisted. As I walked around looking at all the Steins and Bergs, it started to gross me out. Did dead people really smell like that? Why can I smell it? They must be oozing out of their expensive coffins…and those poor Hebs paid good money for them to be sealed tight! Gross/Rip off!

I got out of there, mostly because some German tourist came in and since I know my history, I figured being in a room full of dead Jews with a couple of Germans couldn’t result in anything good for me.

On an outside wall was Marilyn Monroe and an empty slot. (And she was never one to have an empty slot…Blam-o!)  The slot was for another slut, Hugh Hefner, who’ll be buried there in, oh, I’d say under five years from now.

I'm sure there's an STD on this wall.

Liz Taylor’s parents are also buried here, she is not.

One of the members of the Rat Pack is here…not Sinatra, dang it. (He’s in Palm Springs.)

But not as much as you loved the bottle, Dino.

Both of the stars of ‘Grumpy Old Men’ are here.

The Grumpiest Old Man

I asked Roger who he was, Jack Lemon or Walter Mattau? He said he was Jack Lemon, that’s fine, I’m more like Burgess Meredith. We both love bacon too much. For those of you who don’t know who he was….enjoy.

Jack Lemon in...the ground.

Although Don Knott’s tombstone is fabulous, we hit the jackpot in one tiny section. The funny and creative things on these graves put Hollywood Forever celebrities to shame. Jack Lemon’s (above) is very witty. He’s on the same row as his director/writer from ‘Some Like It Hot,’ Billy Wilder. Both Roger and I LOVE him, he also wrote ‘Sunset Boulevard,’ a favorite of ours.


The line on Wilder’s tomb is from ‘Some Like It Hot,’ which was was named  #1 on AFI’s list of comedic films and that line ranked #48 on their list of best movies quotes.

"I am big! It's the pictures that got small" - Norma Desmond

Roger’s favorite is clearly ‘ Sunset Blvd.’

On to more hilarious stones. Rodney Dangerfield rests here. I was never a fan of him until I read his autobiography. He is very funny and super smart…but never got any respect.

"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."- Rodney Dangerfield

Merv Griffin’s plot was perfect…for those of you who don’t know who he was, he’s the granddaddy of game shows. He created Wheel of Fortune, The Price is Right and Jeopardy!

I'll take Merv Griffin's grave for $500, Alex.

I knew Fanny Brice (‘Funny Girl’) was there, but we couldn’t get to her spot, it was all locked up. Thanks for raining on my parade Westwood Memorial!

"I'm like a bagel on a plate full of onion roles"- Fanny Brice

Like most cemeteries, there were a lot of available plots, but there were some pretty interesting ones. Options included were under the bricks on a path, others where in a pond and then we found some in gigantic benches.

This could be me when I'm dead!

I’m not going to lie, it was 90 degrees out (yes, in January…I’m not made for So Cal weather!) and that cold slab felt great on my burning pale, pale skin.I don’t think I’d want to have a resting place under a bench, I wouldn’t want strange asses sitting on me for all eternity!

Then we heard the faint sound of children laughing (it was from the school, I hope.) I never get creeped out at cemeteries, but that was very off putting as we walked through a yard of dead people. So, we headed out and made our way to Santa Monica and our favorite bar, The Misfit.

On the way in we had an encounter with a black street performer and his Afrocentric ventriloquist dummy. He had a microphone and as we walked past he told Roger, “You better put a ring on it or else you’re gonna become an alcoholic if she leaves you.” Fantastic.

Lucy's "spiked" lemonade hit the spot...a few times!

After that encounter, Roger needed a drink…we both did. We ordered fries and prime rib French dip sliders, then tried to think of funny things to put on a tombstone. This is the best of our list:

  • Look out behind you
  • I’m with stupid
  • You’re next
  • Get off my lawn
  • Mother, wife, badass

Then we moved on to more drinks and started brainstorming the end of Act 2 and Act 3 of my script idea.

This is my kind of way to do work .

Roger is a very good person for bouncing ideas around with, but he will let you know when he doesn’t like one of them.

The word NO summed up in a single look.

After writing and drinking and eating for the better part of four hours, we headed out to  Third Street Promenade. The after holiday sales were pretty picked over. In keeping with my Jewish theme of the day, I did find a pretty sick Babushka scarf…in the MEN’S department at Zara!! I don’t even know any gay men who would wear that!

Match maker, match know the rest! (Channeling my Russian/Hungarian-Jewish genes.)

It was a long day, but it was nice to not be at work and on another adventure with Roger!







5 Responses to “Sunrise, Sunset”

  1. Maybelline January 7, 2012 at 10:20 PM #

    1. Eat the DOTS. They are better for you than booze.
    2. Roger would like my swim cap. It’s leopard print like Nora’s head wrap in the monkey scene.
    3. Jew comments not funny (to me).
    4. Are pictures really getting smaller?
    5. Did you know that I played Yente In a church road show production of Fiddler on the Roof?
    6. Egg & Onion Matzos with butter are some of the best tasty treats on the planet.
    7. Cemeteries are some of the most interesting historical places.
    8. Glad Roger didn’t get goosed this time.
    9. Some Like it Hot is a favorite classic & so is Sunset Blvd. What character in each movie would be most compatible to you? Roger?
    10. Is there a headstone writing service in Hollywood? Perhaps you & Roger could make some extra $$$$. Business name suggestions: Final Credits, Fade to Black….

    • L January 8, 2012 at 2:41 AM #

      Oh my God, do you have tourettes? This list is nuts.
      1. I don’t have a booze problem but I do have a candy abuse problem.
      2. Awesome.
      3. Minus the German tourists, that’s ok…German tourists in a room full of dead Jews…kinda funny, sorry.
      4. I cropped them so you were looking at what I was talking about.
      5. You hate musical. Hate isn’t strong enough, you REALLY hate musicals.
      6. Yum. My Grocery store refuses to reorder them.
      7. True.
      8. At least not by a goose.
      9. Jack Lemon in Some Like It Hot for me, but only in his drag persona.
      10. We’ll look into it.

  2. Maybelline January 8, 2012 at 11:56 AM #

    Joe Gillis: You’re Norma Desmond. You used to be in silent pictures. You used to be big.
    Norma Desmond: I *am* big. It’s the *pictures* that got small.

    Reference #4

  3. Kayla February 28, 2012 at 1:16 PM #

    This post really made me laugh! You are so funny! (:

    xo Kayla

    • L February 29, 2012 at 5:38 PM #

      Your blog is so cute. I’m addicted already!!

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