Nobody Does It Better

30 Mar

So…last weekend marked the one year anniversary of Liz Taylor’s death. I recently finished reading  Furious Love, a book about her affair/marriage(s) with Richard Burton. I realize that entire relationship was fueled by epic amounts of booze, but there’s still something about a really intense celebrity relationship that intrigues me. They’re supposed to be filled with over the top jewels, passion, parties and fighting that I, as a peasant, do not get to experience. With all the media surrounding them, celebrities today aren’t doing a great job keeping up the long tradition of gilded train wrecks. There’s Liz & Dick, Woody Allen & Soon Yi,  Wallis & David, Anderson & Lee, Davies & Hearst, Prince & Apollonia,  Napoleon & Josephine.  I could go back further but not everyone is a history buff like me. (Let’s face it, knowing who Liz Taylor and Richard Burton were is a stretch for some people!)

Really, what do we have today:

I guess when you wear a long, heavy dress, it's nice to air it out, right Angie?

Brad and Angie met making a movie and she broke up his marriage. Everyone thought they were the new Liz & Dick. What a let down!  Her headlines are nothing compared to Liz. She’s so skeletal that it makes the news when she eats a Big Mac. You’re an A lister, you can do better. I don’t even eat at McDonald’s for God’s sake, and I’m a nobody! When Liz Taylor was shooting Cleopatra, she had chili from Chasen’s in Beverly Hills FLOWN to her in Rome. That’s how you place an order!

Let’s not even talk about jewels.

In case you thought it looked small: 33.19 carat D color, flawless Asscher cut diamond ring with two diamonds adorning the sides, was sold for $8.8 million after Liz's death.

 

You lose Brad.

You know I love older dudes, go Marion!

L & D were not the first. I’ve talked about Marion Davies and Baller status Hearst before, but if anyone could out do Burton, it’s my boy Hearst. He bought Marion a beach house, jewels, movie studios, and wrote her love letters every night. What a guy! He and Marion had a torrid affair for decades and cheated on each other multiple times. If Liz Taylor was jealous, Hearst took it up a notch and straight up popped a cap in Thomas Ince. Why? Thomas was talking to Marion and from behind he looked like Charlie Chaplin, the guy Marion was doinking on the side (and on top and under). Let’s see Jen Aniston try something like that! Hearst got a doctor to take the bullet out of the dude’s brain and got him cremated before any investigation happened. He was never charged with anything! Owning the police, like I said, baller status.

Patricia Lake. Come on! She totally looks like Hearst. Who were they trying to fool?

Angie and Brad have a collection of children from around the world and have popped out a bunch of their own. Yawn.  A secret love child, wayyyyyyyyy more interesting. Even Diana Ross agrees with me! Tell ’em all about it Supremes.

They used to have those ALL the time in Hollywood. (Clark Gable’s, who looked JUST like him, died this year.) Marion and Hearst also had a love child that the Hearst family denies TO THIS DAY…even though she’s buried in Marion’s crypt.

I'm sorry Madonna ruined your love story with her dump hole of a movie.

And then there’s Wallis Simpson and David Windsor, ex-King of England. Yea, he gave up a country to be with her…top that everyone on this list. They were exiled to France, never to return to England (until David kicked the bucket) and had to deal with the horrible amounts of press. They didn’t have any friends who understood what this was like until they became pals with—Liz and Dick. True story.

With the stupid amounts of money people get paid to make movies now, it really shouldn’t be that hard for them to try to become the relationship Hindenburgs we all want to watch.

 

 

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One Response to “Nobody Does It Better”

  1. Maybelline March 30, 2012 at 7:33 AM #

    What? Sandra Bullock and Jesse James didn’t make the cut?

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