Fade In

18 May

This was WAY better when I was eight.

So…while preparing for my impending cosmopolitan vacation, I’ve realized that everything I’ve learned about New York has been through the movies. And oddly enough, mostly from horrible, cheesy, comedies. (Although all my fears about the city come directly from ‘Law and Order.’ Thanks Lenny Briscoe.)

I had forgotten all about ‘Big Business’ until I caught it on Showtime late one night. I used to love that movie…when I wanted to be just  like Bette Midler (I was a weird little kid.) I thought I was more like the harsh, business minded, New York version of Bette, but I’m from Bakersfield, therefore making me the country bumpkin version—damn it.  After coming to that realization, I don’t know if I really want to run into a harsher version of me, especially after finding out what people already think of the current version!

My future BFF.

‘Home Alone 2’ taught me that not all homeless people are crazy, meth addicted,  hookers, like they are in L.A. Some of them are down on their luck women who got divorced and their families forgot all about them. I’ll keep an eye out for the nice bird lady in Central Park who needs a friend and would rather have a Christmas ornament than some cash.

Of course the movies have taught me all about romance. One of two things can occur when you fall in love with someone in New York; 1: the guy can be nice but not hot and 2: if he is hot, as punishment, something horrible will happen to you.

Girls in Manhattan trying to land a perfect man…guess Carrie Bradshaw wasn’t that unique after all.

This happened a few times in ‘How To Marry A Millionaire.’ Lauren Bacall falls for an unattractive millionaire and Marilyn Monroe goes for a guy because they both wear glasses (what a stupid reason to like someone!) and who’s running from the mob. Really? I’ll stay single and go hang out with my crazy bird lady friend, thanks.

“I hate you Harry, I really hate you.”

I already have a best guy friend who’s a total push over, I can NOT handle another one. NEXT!

“It’s all in the family.” Gross.

Say I do meet a hot guy like Bill Holden, but end up getting passed around the family like a high class call girl. Is it worth it? Not if I end up with Bogart. (Seriously, ‘Sabrina’ is kind of a sick movie if you think about it.)

“The Empire State Building is the closest thing to heaven in this city.”

‘Love Affair’/’Affair to Remember’/’Sleepless in Seattle.’ (Um, it’s time for some new script ideas Hollywood…come on.) Basically if you get the chance to suck face with Cary Grant at the top of the Empire State Building, your hormones will cause you to go frickin’ nuts, run out in front of traffic and get hit by a car. Tempting as a yummy guy like Cary is, I like walking.

As much as I love ‘Funny Girl,’ this movie has taught me that even if a hot man likes you because you’re funny, he’ll gamble away all of your hard earned cash and then ask for a divorce. That is a horrible tale. I don’t know what’s worse, losing the ability to walk or all your money. Actually, I’m a total tightwad, so I think we all know what’s worse for me.

“Zap him right in the ba-doobies.”

And, of course, a drag queen will fall in love with me…really,  that would happen in any city with my track record.

Why was Meg Ryan in every Rom Com for a good 20 years?

If none of these potential adventures happen, I have one last movie plot to count on. Time travel! I could jump off the Brooklyn Bridge and be transported back to the late 1800’s just like in that cinematic masterpiece, ‘Kate & Leopold.’  Honestly, let’s face it, this seem like a most fool proof out of all the misadventures that the movies have told me I will likely encounter in the “Big City.”

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3 Responses to “Fade In”

  1. miss taylor cast May 18, 2012 at 7:57 AM #

    i’ve lived here for over a year and lemme tell you, the movies done lied to you!

    • Lauren Semar May 18, 2012 at 1:57 PM #

      So I take it you haven’t found your twin.

  2. silverscreenings May 21, 2012 at 4:36 PM #

    I love this post. It’s very clever.

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