It’s a Wonderful Town

12 Jun

Don’t you wish you knew what we were looking at?

So…Kim and I took different flights getting to New York. I took American and she took Virgin America. When we went to check our bags I had to deal with Asians screaming, “piss off” to the flight attendants at bag check. I used that to my advantage and schmoozed them…and also got to hear their life stories. (They once worked at the same theme park in Anaheim as we do.) Then we went to Kim’s airline. They were bumpin’ Kylie Minogue, disco lights were flashing and there were tatted up daddy bears checking in. Clearly, I had picked the wrong airline.

I ended up sitting next to some guy writing a screenplay. Did I pretend to read a book the whole flight but actually read his script? Duh. It was a Navy drama and his formatting was totally incorrect, but it was better than the in-flight movie, “Man on a Ledge.” Let me just say, as someone who has seen almost every ‘Law and Order’ episode, a thriller that takes place in NYC was NOT the best choice of a film to play on my first flight to the Big Apple. Good God, it’s not like I wasn’t scared of being raped and/or murdered enough.

So we meet again, cheese.

After waiting in the world’s LONGEST taxi line, (seriously JFK, Vegas has their taxis in order, take a lesson!), we made it to Kim’s Uncle Johnny’s apartment. He was ready to rage but we needed food over booze. Enter my first NY pizza. It may not have been the best, but there was tons of cheese on it, so I was doing great.

Our hair looked good…until the rain came!

On the way to the first bar, it started to rain and we all looked a hot mess before any booze passed our lips. We went to three bars that night and the one thing I really enjoyed about them was that they were playing 90’s music. Like, Color Me Badd, Bobby Brown and Michael Jackson on the ‘Free Willy’ soundtrack. Rad.

We got back at 4:30AM. Nothing closes in New York, it’s ridiculous.

View from the apartment.

On our first real day we didn’t get up until about 11:30AM . Johnny made us some awesome, cheesy, egg scramble. Apparently the apartment building we were staying in was right next to where Plato’s Retreat once was. Don’t know what that was? It was a swinging sex club with a great buffet. (I don’t know from experience, just from my reading about it.)

Hipster girls and the token gay dude.

We headed over to Central Park, passed the spot where John Lennon was gunned down, and headed to Strawberry Fields. I know when people think about California, they think we are all into the outdoors. No. I have NEVER seen more bicycles and people laying out in my entire life in CA. It was nuts! Also, Asians can ride bikes about as well as they can drive cars. I almost got hit three times by those crazy bastards.

Daniel Webster: grumpy old dude and NOT the inventor of the dictionary.

On our walk we came across a gigantic statue of Daniel Webster. I wondered aloud, “What did he do?” Johnny said, “Ever heard of the dictionary?” “Really? That’s the guy,” I asked. Johnny seemed to be very certain of himself. Little did he know I am the QUEEN of all random, useless trivial facts and wasn’t buying it. Daniel Webster did NOT invent the dictionary, that was Noah Webster. Daniel Webster was a US Senator, Secretary of State and avid grimacer.

Lesson to everyone; don’t shit a shitter, because I will ALWAYS look up everything about any topic I am questioning.

Romance is in the air…or is that just horse manure?

We came across a group of people waltzing, which turned into a wedding proposal. If I wasn’t such a bitter bitch I would think that was sweet, but I didn’t, so there you go.

Amazing art crammed on the side of a staircase.

Kim and I at the Boathouse Restaurant.

We made our way over to the Boathouse but the last thing I wanted to do was sweat my ass off rowing a boat all day. I don’t get the appeal of row boating, I feel the same way about the stupid canoes at Disneyland. Why?

Sail boat pond. My kind of boating.

Kim and I both knew about some of the statues at the Park, but there were a few that came as a good surprise to me. The first one was Danny Kaye Hans Christian Andersen.

I’m Hans Christian Andersen!

I was very excited to find him. As much as I love his stories, I have all the songs from the 1952 movie memorized. Needless to say, I had this song stuck in my head for the rest of the day and no one else knew what the heck I was talking about!

And by the end of the day, I was wishing Hans could come cobble my shoes after all the walking I did!

“Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it;
But we hae meat, and we can eat,
  And sae the Lord be thankit.” – Robert Burns, The Selkirk Grace (1793)

Then we came upon literary row and my old Scottish friend, Rabbie Burns. My Granny has quoted him to be since forever, so I could not simply pass him by without saying hello. For those of you who think you don’t know who Robert Burns was, you know him, he wrote Auld Lang Syne, the song they play every year on New Year’s Eve/Hogmanay.

I told you, people were EVERYWHERE!

On our way out of the park I noticed a few spots I remembered from Law and Order episodes. Kim agreed that some of the spots were from episodes when homeless people or someone walking their dog would stumble across a dead chick. Creepy!

St. Patrick’s Cathedral. A stop along the way to 30 Rock.

Cue the 30 Rock theme song.

We ended up going to the Top of the Rock instead of the Empire State Building. There was no wait and the view was great, so I highly recommend it. Kim was a little uneasy because she doesn’t care for heights.

That’s about as close to the edge as Kim got.

The only thing that made me nervous was the elevator ride. There’s a glass ceiling so you can see how fast you shoot up the 70-ish stories. No thank you. All I could think about was the Tower of Terror Ride at Disney and was just waiting to plummet back down again!

View of Central Park…we could still see all the people hanging out there!

Empire State Building…and other stuff.

Statue of Liberty.

After seeing the sights, we happened upon the biggest street fair I’ve ever seen. There was tons of food and a lot of Reggae music up and down 6th Ave.

Reggae music makes Kim crave watermelon.

Whatever you’d call a Greek Chola, this is what she’d look like. Best/worst poster EVER!

When had our fill of street food and walking, we walked back to Johnny’s for a rest before dinner. We ended up going to Pio Pio for Peruvian food, which neither Kim nor I had ever had. Johnny didn’t ask us if we wanted Peruvian food, the question was simply, “You like chicken?’

Kim and Johnny getting ready to feast on crack chicken.

I was a little overwhelmed with all the food.

The food was AWESOME!! Fried plantains, French fries with hotdogs (sounds like an Okie delicacy to me, but tasty just the same!), roasted chicken and this awesome creamy avocado sauce that you can pour over everything…and we did!

Niru “acting” gay. Someone give him an Oscar!

Niru, Johnny’s friend that we met the previous night, met up with us and somehow convinced us to go to a club in the Meat Packing District. I hate clubs and I still do, we spent the better part of an hour waiting in a line before we gave up and went to a different place. The only cool thing down there was Diane Von Furstenberg’s studio is there, which Kim flipped out over.

Kim & DVF.

Kim and I at a place called Social.

At about 2AM, Niru insisted we go have the best food truck food in NY called Halal near the Hilton. Of course we went. Johnny got his tongue burnt off from the red sauce and Kim felt horrible the next morning and cursed the name Halal. Over all, everyone hated that food truck!

“Halal did me dirty.”-Kim, the following morning.

We got in at about 3AM. With all that site seeing, by the end of the day I felt like Sinatra in ‘On The Town.’ And this was only the first day!

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One Response to “It’s a Wonderful Town”

  1. silverscreenings June 15, 2012 at 4:12 AM #

    Love the NY adventures. The Olympia Gyros poster is a classic!

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