Tough Crowd

13 Jun

If Mona Lisa would have had this pizza, her smile would’ve been more impressive.

So…it was still raining on day three of our trip but I didn’t care. I was in a great mood because we were going to the Comedy Cellar later that day. We started the day in Soho for an afternoon of shopping. There were some small boutiques but I could find most of the shops out here in California. Kim was very excited about the Dash store, I was not impressed. The store was built by women who are known for their large asses. There is no way I could even fit my left leg into the dresses there, so I don’t know how those big booty hoes do it! The store wasn’t stocked very well and it looked like they were still moving in…but they’ve been at that location for a while.

Cell phone dressing room photos: how I shop with Roger two time zones away.

Although Johnny did MAJOR damage at Bloomingdale’s, I ended up buying a few dresses there myself.  I could have bought that dress above in all 4 colors, but I don’t want a closet full of the same dress, like an even more pale version of Wilma Flintstone. I ended up getting the green one and Johnny said I looked “very Irish”…he regretted that statement as soon as it left his lips! Never tell a Scottish girl she looks Irish. (Even though I’m painfully pale and look fabulous in green…you just don’t say that.)

Lombardi’s pizza, just another stop on our Fat Ass Tour.

Thank God we ate AFTER we went shopping, that really is a better order to do things. Lombardi’s is the first pizza joint in New York and has been around for over a hundred years. Even though Kim and I work at a pizza place, we were still stoked to have some pizza that’s actually good.

Coal oven at Lombardi’s, made the traditional Italian way, by Hispanics.

Right after we got there, the place got PACKED! All kinds of people came in, including a large group of Asians who were dressed like they were going to the clubs. A tight mini dress is not what I want to eat pizza in. Dress for comfort chick, come on!

I had made reservations to see the 8PM show at the Comedy Cellar, so Kim and I hopped in a cab and headed over. As we pulled up Kim nonchalantly said, “This is where the killings happen.” I knew what she was talking about, ‘Law and Order.’ “Not true, ” I retorted, “how about Central Park?” In addition to hitting a bunch of tourist locations, we made it to the top two killing spots from our favorite show. Success!

Kim and Me (not looking Irish!) at the Comedy Cellar.

I guess I can equate the  Cellar to a comedy church. There is tons of stained glass upstairs and since you are going down into the cellar to see the show, you have to bow down, out of respect, to get to your seat. They asked if we wanted to be in the front row, Kim did NOT because she was afraid of getting heckled…even though I told her I could handle it for her. We sat in the second row…about 1 centimeter behind the first. The Cellar is smaller than my section at work, but they CRAM about a hundred people in there every night.

Ardie and myself after the show.

The MC was a very funny comedian, Ardie Fuqua. I have NEVER seen someone with that amount of energy who was able to maintain it all night. He was a riot and did get the crowd involved, exactly what Kim was afraid of. There was a large group of British guys in front of us and he asked them if they had talked to the pretty girls behind them. Before they could answer, I blurted out, “No they did not!” Oh snap, it was on. Ardie tried to see if I was interested, nope. I don’t date losers. (We stomped the English.Yeah, maybe  it was 200+ years ago, never forget.)  This back and forth went on during the change of comedians to the stage.

I was jazzed to see Colin Quinn again. Kim hadn’t seen him before and I told her his stuff  was similar to the kooky topics I talk about. I don’t know who was more surprised by the material covered in his set, Kim or myself. It was so tailor-made to my tastes that if he would have started talking about Teddy Roosevelt I would have passed out. My favorite bit was when he described the kind of killer he would be on ‘Law and Order.’  I can still see it in my head, perfection!

After Colin, we got to see Darrell Hammond. He did all the Clinton, Rumsfeld, Trump impressions that he’s known for. He was funny, but I enjoyed Colin’s set more. It seemed more thought out and it was just…funnier.

We headed upstairs after the show because I knew that the comedians hang out afterwards. Plus, I wanted to have an actual chat with CQ. When I met Colin the first time I was with my parents and was barely able to get a word in because they were like a couple of loud, tittering  bobby soxers meeting Sinatra. (Yes, for those of you that know me, I am a loud, pushy person. I am that way because I am the product of two even louder and pusher people. I didn’t stand a chance in Visalia.)

On our way up Ardie stopped me and asked if I was interested in the British guys from the show. I told him I was actually trying to meet Colin. With that, he SPRINTED  into the Olive Tree Cafe upstairs and yelled out, “Where’s Colin? Get him out here!”  Well he wasn’t there. He went to a cocktail party at Tom Papa’s…damn it!

Kim, Keith Robinson, Me and Dan Soder being a total goober.

Ardie, my personal match maker, started texting Colin to get back down to the Cellar. Kim and I watched the King’s game at the bar and I noticed that Keith Robinson, who I’m a fan of and know from ‘Tough Crowd’, came in. He invited me to come sit in the booth with him and of course I did. Kim, who didn’t know any of these comedians was thinking, “Bitch, what the hell do you think you’re doing ?!” It didn’t take long for Keith to call Colin and tell him about “this young chick with big titties”  (he wasn’t off on the description) who wanted to chat with him. I started to feel like I was in some 1960’s farcical comedy where everyone is trying to help but end up making the situation worse and more ridiculous. All my story was missing was Mickey Rooney running around playing a Chinaman!

Wil, Me and Kim.

While all this was going down I was sitting next to another comedian, Wil Sylvince. He quietly told me that, unfortunately for me, Colin probably thought these guys were punking him because they do it all the time. That would be my luck!

Wil showed me a video he was in. Although I’m not a boxing fan, I thought it was really good.

At about 2AM, we went to go get Yankee tickets from a bartender Johnny knew. When we got there, Queen was blasting through the speakers and long story short, we got back at 4:30AM all because of Freddie Mercury.

Me and Dave, the Irish barkeep, rocking out to Queen.


3 Responses to “Tough Crowd”

  1. Maybelline June 13, 2012 at 3:09 PM #


    • Lauren Semar June 13, 2012 at 3:57 PM #

      Hey is for horses…and snitch ass bitches!

      • Maybelline June 13, 2012 at 4:52 PM #

        Hay’s the 1st stage of horse $hit.

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