Sick

20 Jul

“Helga, I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at the dirt.”- Joan Crawford

So…I am well aware that I have a freakin’ weird way of looking at things but hopefully the story I’m about to elaborate on will help you not make the same, disgusting, mistake and embarrass yourself in front of super judgmental people, such as myself.

I went to the gym to burn off some angry energy but ended up getting leaving even more pissed off. Normally on a Friday night I’m the only one on the row of treadmills but that night, with 15 empty machines around, this bitch decides to run on the one RIGHT NEXT to me. Not only is my new running partner super thin, but she’s wearing the world’s tiniest work out shorts.

Which leads me to the first thing that pisses me off; girls that wear super tiny work out shorts. It’s not because deep down I’m jealous that I can’t wear them because I actually eat one meal a day (and keep it down.) I do wear them, how they should be worn, as underwear. I’m mad because I know these girls aren’t wearing any panties when they have those on, so when they sit down on the machines all their lady juices are just left behind when they’re done.

Gross, right?

You’re God damn right its gross! Something I have learned having had guy roommates and girl roommates is that girls are a million times more disgusting than guys. I could write an entire blog on that topic and you would think most girls were raised in a third world country that never knew what soap was.

If you see this girl, she probably smells like butt sweat.

Back to the gym. As this girl runs, she starts to sweat. Did she bring a towel with her? Hell no, why would anyone follow the rules. Her “shorts” also kept getting eaten by her butt so she was doing this butt picking/brow wiping pattern every few steps. Obviously, I couldn’t help but notice this. Did she not realize she was wiping her butt sweat all over her face? At this point I was openly staring with disgust, but she kept on going, flicking her pony tail back and forth in that annoying Jan Brady way as she ran.

I couldn’t handle that bio-hazard anymore and went to get yoked. As I was lifting weights I glanced over into the sauna and saw a man with chunky, hairy, man titties making out/fondling his equally bodacious girlfriend.

THAT’S IT! I couldn’t take it anymore. (And you’re welcome for sparing you that soft-core photo of those fat bodies. I’m sure that image will flash in my mind before I die…something else to look forward to.) I got out of there and came home to scrub everyone else’s ooze off of me.

Am I trying to get to something or am I just working on an ulcer? I do have a point; when you least expect it, in your grossest moment, you are being watched. So remember that and hopefully someone won’t go home and write a blog about how five-year olds who eat their boogers are cleaner than you, you sick freak.

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7 Responses to “Sick”

  1. Maybelline July 20, 2012 at 8:12 AM #

    Lesson: Find something better to do on a Friday night?

    • Roger July 20, 2012 at 12:10 PM #

      Hang out with screeching monkeys?

  2. Berman Peter July 20, 2012 at 5:41 PM #

    Thanks Lauren…. you’ve just given me a great excuse to postpone my workout tonight and for the next few days. In fact, maybe a month or two….. or more. 🙂

  3. silverscreenings July 20, 2012 at 6:10 PM #

    I love the story of Sergeant Stubby. What a remarkable dog!

    And what was with Joan Crawford’s eyebrows? The older she got, the weirder the eyebrows. Yikes!

    • Lauren Semar July 21, 2012 at 1:00 AM #

      The older Joan Crawford got, the more she looked like a Disney villain. Think about it.

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