Here I Go Again

31 Oct

I’m in my rage period.

So…I started dating someone. Hey, I was fine in my self-induced Fortress of Solitude, slowly making my way towards Cat Ladydom.  This wasn’t something I planned on, I was pretty surprised an attractive, straight, guy could like me because….I’m a dork. I’m the freakin’ real life Liz Lemon. Aside from my nerdiness, everything was going great. Until he stood me up.

I’ve had guys do a lot of crappy things *cough* dump me on my graduation day*cough*, but I’ve NEVER been stood up. Honestly, being stood up is such an epic waste of time. I mean damn, I buffed my skin, shaved, curled my hair, my make up was impeccable. I could have stayed all gross, in my sweat pants and watched a million hours of crap on Netflix and my time would have been much better spent!! Instead I looked super hot as I waited on my couch for the dinner that was never to be.

When this perfect example of “men” my age finally reached up inside himself, felt around, and found his pitiful excuse for balls and talked to me, he gave me a doozy of an excuse. (By talk I mean text. God forbid a guy CALL a girl. They’d rather have me try to crack the encryption of their tone like I’m freakin’ Indiana Jones.) This is what he said, I can’t make this shit up, “I really like you, but I got attached too fast, so I’m a dick.”

Now, I’m no mathematician, so let me get this straight. Fun+Nice+Really Like=DUMP? If I follow this equation, I need to be more of bitch to keep a guy. You like someone a lot, so you leave?  I’ve never had so many positives turn into negative. It reminded me of an SNL sketch about throwing stuff you like on the ground. It really makes no sense.

I know what you’re thinking, it’s time to tase some buttholes.

Then he says, “I’m not ready for a relationship. I don’t want to get hurt.”

Do you think the manly men who blew the brains out of dirty, stinking, Nazis 70 years ago would have fathomed that they would begat grandsons who are such gigantic pussies? I can’t handle all this emotional BULLSHIT. Last time I checked, I looked down and got an eyeful of tit. Meaning, I’m the girl, knock this whining crap off.  I’m tired of being the Alpha Male. Why does your fear of getting hurt trump mine? And who goes into a relationship expecting to get stomped all over? I date asshole after asshole, I get hurt every time. But I still keep trying.

Men: STOP being pussies. And if things are going good…SHUT UP and KEEP GOING.


11 Responses to “Here I Go Again”

  1. silverscreenings October 31, 2012 at 4:57 AM #

    Imagine – the thought of a relationship scares a grown man to death! This is so sad on every level.

  2. Maybelline October 31, 2012 at 5:09 AM #

    I think the key here is to find a man. It seems that Peter Pan is alive a well and living in loads of 20-somethings.

    • Lauren Semar October 31, 2012 at 1:08 PM #

      And I am Dustin Hoffman version of Hook to their Peter Pan. It makes me want to break out the Boo Box! (The Boo Box was a chest Hook would put someone in and then, through a little door, he would drop scorpions in to keep him company.)

  3. auntiea October 31, 2012 at 8:43 AM #

    I was dumped on prom day and a friend stopped by home at lunch to grab something only to find her live in boyfriend (leach) was using his best friends car to secretly move out, his excuse? He didnt want a confrontation! And it does seem those women who are bitches get the good guys. No they get the ones who are broken. Relationships are tricky, but lots of men seem only to be interested in their toys and they want no responsibility. A good guy is out there, but hes hard to find. Wait for the good one and think of the others as test dummies or perhaps writing fodder.

    • Lauren Semar October 31, 2012 at 1:05 PM #

      You are spot on about these douche bags being good for my writing but….I’ve never writen about a nice guy, that could be a fun change?

  4. Bruce Allen October 31, 2012 at 9:46 AM #

    Ugh. This adolescent crap pisses me off. Sorry you had to deal with this, Lauren.

    • Lauren Semar October 31, 2012 at 1:04 PM #

      Thanks Bruce! I feel like this is the same broken record guys use. I’m getting pretty sick of it.

  5. Maybelline October 31, 2012 at 5:27 PM #

    Upon further review I have come to the conclusion that a taser might be kinda interesting especially if a guy throws an entire cake to the ground.


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