Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. Spooky, scary!
So…being social is exhausting. I tip my hat to all the crazy sluts who do this on a nightly basis because I went to three Halloween parties this week and I can’t handle it. I need to retreat to the comforting reruns of my sweet, angelic, Jerry Orbach while hanging out on the couch with Mr. Bojangles.
Party #1: Begin at the Beginning
Last Saturday was a party with friends from work. Lindsey agreed to be the Wayne to my Garth. Finally all my years of memorizing Dana Carvey stand up paid off!
Party on Wayne. Party on Garth.
The theme was zombies, but we didn’t have time for all the fancy make up after work.
Zombie Snow White? Excellent!
A ton of guys from work showed up but by far the best costume was Officer Dangle from ‘Reno 911.’
It was a cold night, at least that's what he said.
Lindsey and I both agreed that it was a very…enlightening evening. I found out that while I think I look like crap at work, all the guy are checkin’ out my ass because it looks “fake, it’s so enormous.” (The actual quote was edited WAY down because my Mom reads this. What was said was filthy.) Here’s a tip to all the Latino boys out there, do NOT tell a white chick she has a huge ass. I know it’s a compliment in your culture, but in mine, it could give a girl an eating disorder.
Party #2: Water, Water Everywhere, But Not A Drop To Drink
FINALLY! Another adventure with Roger! We went to a charity event for the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. He and I are very familiar with that place…very. After going through a list of costume ideas with Roger, we finally settled on Anthony and Cleopatra. Since I’m spectacularly pale, I had to be the Liz Taylor (best) version of Cleo.
Since it was a big ta-do I got my make up done and made the majority of the costume myself. That’s right, MADE IT, because that’s what you do on Halloween, you get creative, not whorish.
Greetings from Madame Trousseau's! Roger posted this on Facebook and apparently I look like a wax figure!
It took TWO hours to get to Santa Monica Blvd. Thank you ghetto people going to Knott’s Scary Farm for causing THREE accidents, my suspicions about your driving skills were not wrong. After we checked in we were escorted to the mausoleum by two nice men in lederhosens . It was at the very back of the cemetery in the Valentino mausoleum.
My flash was on, it was much spookier in person.
We walked through the building to an open area outside that was against the Paramount lot.
Entrance to the party.
As we entered the real party, this was one of the first things we saw.
A Bevy of Beefcakes.
There are two extremes at gay costume parties, over the top, detailed costumes or a napkin over your business. There will be examples of both in this entry, prepare yourself.
We headed to the VIP section, the only area with heaters and within ten minutes we saw this guy messing with the decorations.
Super mature, guy.
There was a large dance floor and a bunch of cabanas behind it, they were over $1,000, too much for me. In addition to that there were about five OPEN bars. I was D.D. but Roger made the most of it and had his fill of libations. I made sure of it.
Seriously, flood lights?
As I walked around guys kept coming up to tell me how sorry they were that I died this year and kept calling me Liz. Forget the fact that I was Cleopatra, I was, more importantly, Liz Taylor and they ALL knew it. Thank you for knowing your classic films gay men!
I don't know what this guy was, but he was super stoked to see me.
There were a ton of Pharaohs wandering around, but only two Cleopatras. (They were both the store bough slutty version, I was clearly the more impressive version.)
Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia
Yes, I know what you’re thinking Mom, here’s the video so you don’t even have to bother looking it up. You’re welcome.
From the VIP section I spied a Marty McFly and we were off to track him down. During our hunt we stumbled across a few interesting costumes.
What a bunch of witches.
NONE could top the glorious man dressed as Barbra Streisand (dressed as Fanny Brice) from the “Don’t Rain On My Parade” number in ‘Funny Girl.’ I practically pissed myself when I saw him. I LOVE that movie. His suitcase even played the song! Fabulous! I know that not everyone knows the song (Mom), so here you are:
I was clearly pleased as punch about this. No one was raining on my parade. BEST costume of the night. I love you Drag Barbra!!
After that we stumbled across Sebastian, who’s in my writing group and invited me to the event.
He's a personal trainer, enough said.
If I had a body like that, I’d be wearing almost nothing too. He’s buddies with Lance Bass and introduced us. I think Lance was some kind of funky Japanese teenager.
Lance, Roger and Sebastian
Most girls would be excited about meeting someone from *NSYNC but out of the corner of my eye I saw a Hoverboard and I was off to bigger and better things!
Think McFly, think!
Not only did they look amazing, but Marty (who’s name is actually Greg and is super nice) gave me a copy of the “Save the Clock Tower” flyer. A+ for details guys.
Then I got Roger a few more drinks.
Oh snap, somebody get him a vodka and Go Girl! (Go Girl is an energy drink)
The grass was wet and I had on what could barely be called shoes, so I gave him the look that said, “Biotch, we need to dance.”
My feet are totally numb and I'm not even wearing heels.
Almost everyone else had the same idea as me and the dance floor was p- poppin’!
The Meat Buffet
We danced for a good two and half hours without sweating. It was a super fun night. Before we left I saw one last amazing costume.
The walk back to the street was super creepy because there were zero lights. A cemetery at 2AM can be a spooky place. We did give Marion Davies a “hey girl” before we left.
Roger is a little uneasy about the walk.
Food wise, the party only had a taco bar. Really? Tacos at a gay party…I can’t even write the joke because it’s too easy. So, we went to 25 Degrees for dinner. We’ve gone there many times, I love that place…normally. This time it was the worst service, the manager was straight up rude, and it was an all around cluster eff. The place isn’t even the size of the inside of the place I work at so I had zero sympathy for the unnecessary chaos.
The night ended at about 5AM. I immediately striped down, took a HOT shower and passed the frick out.
From the couch, Roger called me and woke me up for breakfast at about noon.
Sweet God, get me some coffee!!
We headed over to The Pancake House where I had five cups of coffee and bacon pancakes. Then I came home, showered and got ready for party numero tres.
Party #3: Literally, Bananas
Other than having ginormous rumps, Kim Kardashian and I also have something else in common. We both had three outfits for the same celebration. My third costume was a cake walk compared to Liz/Cleo, I was Rachel Zoe. She is a celeb stylist who has a show on Bravo and talks like a 14 year old valley girl.
See, I wasn’t wrong. Literally.
This picture is bananas! Me and Nicole as Joan from Mad Men.
The party was thrown by Christina from my writing group at her super adorable house in LA. Nicole (also from from my group) came as Joan from ‘Mad Men’ and made me miss my red hair days. I briefly saw Brooke (also from my group) before she went to another party. It was packed with all kinds of neat costumes.
And this was just the outside!
Of course Christina had a super creative costume, she and a group of people were all characters from the Clue. Hilarious.
Who done it?
Ms. White, Rachel Zoe and witch Kelly who's tired of wearing tall ass boots.
I met Christina’s super cool cousin, Kelly, who recently moved to LA and wants to go to WeHo…she found the right girl to help her get some gay friends! She also loved to bake and did all the sweets for the party. I think I also found a baking buddy!
There were a ton of other cool people, including some really nice guys who want to be my Yenta and find me a guy to date. Good luck gentlemen!
Thank you for reenacting your favorite photo of my gay ex-bf, Christina. This photo will always make me laugh!
The night ended with us watching the show ‘Sweet Home Alabama.‘ I HATE ‘The Bachelor’ TV show but this show is WAY more hilarious. 10 country girls and 10 city girls try to win the heart of a good old boy from Alabama. It’s magically stereotypical and I loved it. What a way to end a long frickin’ week of parties!