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My Smile Still Stays On

8 Aug

Does this look like someone who’s completely disappointed? Give me an Oscar already.

So…Harry’s cousin, Matt, is back from the Army, and after two and a half years, I got to see my pals again! Unfortunately for me, they wanted to go to my work. Totally where I wanted to be on a Saturday in the middle of summer, but for Harry, anything.  I remembered how much fun we used to have and just knew it was going to be like old times. I couldn’t wait!

I had gone over what seeing him would be like a million times in my head. But, in reality, it was like most reality based things, underwhelming. I sat at the spot where we were to met and he walked right passed me. Apparently he didn’t recognize me because he was looking for red hair…even though he knew I’ve been blonde for years. I got a lame, short,  hug and a polite, “What’s new?”

OK, after a few years, maybe things are a little rusty, I get it. Not everyone thinks about life like they’re in a movie…like me.

Ever observant, Matt pointed out that these hats looked like a bra. I tested it out, yep.

The day went on and Matt and I were cracking jokes and ripping on weirdos like we’d done a million times before.  Harry was VERY quiet, not making  jokes or giving much to any conversation.  He showed less than zero interest in what’s going on in my life, which I always find to be a fabulous trait for a “friend” to have, but decided to ignore that for the time being. Roger met us for drinks and Harry, who has met Rog before, had no idea who he was to me or where I knew him from. (Wow! Beyond rude.) I had to repeat stories from when we lived together because he’d forgotten them and others that I knew I had told him and are even on my blog! God forbid he put effort into anything not regarding himself and read this. I try to make it, at least, mildly entertaining! I felt like I had been “erased…from existence.”  What really set me over the edge was when he told me he had been down here on vacation last year and didn’t even stop in to tell me hello. Hiroshima happened in my brain when I heard that bull crap.

At work, on my day off. The definition of a good friend.

My very own Harry Burns, my buddy, old pal had turned into a shell of himself.  A completely beastly, boring, bourgeois, zombie of what he once was. I don’t know how, in under three years, someone I cared for so much could turn into someone who, if I met them in a bar for the first time, I would never want to talk to again. I almost bawled my eyes out at the fireworks (but never let it show, thank you British genes!)  because I was so disappointed and upset at what he’d turned into and what I had lost. Luckily during this extremely depressing turn of events in my life, I listened to the theme music from movies of my childhood, and I realized that even though this feels like hell, I still have movies. I can throw all my energy into my (screen)writing.

I’ll follow Freddie’s sage advice:

Girly Man

3 Jul

You girly man!

So…before I start, I want to say that I do like Nora Ephron movies. They’re fun, the dialogue is cute and they’re great when you’re really depressed (translation:lady times.) I’ve said before that my Dad used to repeatedly quote ‘When Harry Met Sally’ to ensure that I KNEW men and women can not be friends. Got it Dad, everyone wants to bone me…except they’re not.

That said, her movies really started all this overly emotional, girly man, bull crap in films that I HATE. Before her, guys in the movies never sat around, talking about their feelings. Sure, ‘When Harry Met Sally’ might have made me wish I could date a guy who’s my best friend, but if he’s just my best friend, he’s clearly lacking the balls to ask me out and I don’t need to date any more pussies. I’ve had it with talking about feelings, I’ve dated enough gay guys, thank you very much.

Think about it, Clark Gable never cried to one of his bros about some chick dumping him.

I’ll show you dumping. And no, I don’t want to talk about it.

Rock Hudson, who actually was a “sissy”, may chat away to a girl on the phone, but the only feelings discussed would be foreshadowing the major bone session he’s got in mind for later that evening.

Feelings? I’ll give you something to feel later tonight, Doris.

And, it was always believable that he would ravage the virginal, good girl, Doris Day. I don’t think Tom Hanks is capable of ravaging a hamburger, much less showing Meg Ryan who’s boss.

We’re talking…and that’s it.

The overly emotional guys Nora created morphed into sloppy losers of my generation. They can’t catch a girl based on their looks or quick wit, so they sit around and wait until one gets drunk enough to make some poor choices.

I’m supposed to want to date this?

Pre-Nora, Tony Curtis used his noggin and hatched a scheme to get into Natalie Wood’s panties. But, let’s face it, he really wouldn’t have to do much. All he’d have to do is wink at a girl to get her chonies on the ground. (And if you know anything about his real life, he was well aware that, and got crazy, stupid, amounts of ass from everyone.)

Natalie Wood, way hotter than Meg Ryan and Tony Curtis in his prime…beat it Tom Hanks, ya botherin’ me.

And what’s with all the sloppy dressing? For hundreds of years men have managed to dress themselves in a presentable manner, until now. Wearing a suit takes less thought than jeans and a t-shirt AND girls like it better. Being well dressed doesn’t make you gay, but it seems like they’re the only ones who know how to take care of business anymore.

Ironing is for guys who want to get laid. I’d rather cry about my feeling and wipe my tears on my cat’s tail.

‘Crazy, Stupid, Love’ is the only modern example of why a man dressing well is a very important factor in getting the ladies. But a half-dozen movies about cry baby slobs came out and erased the public’s memory of this ONE example.

Ryan Gosling: The wrapper is just as good as the filling.

Thank you for your fun movies, Nora, but can men go back to being men now?

Lions and Tigers and Daddy Bears, OH MY!

30 Oct

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. Spooky, scary!

So…being social is exhausting. I tip my hat to all the crazy sluts who do this on a nightly basis because I went to three Halloween parties this week and I can’t handle it. I need to retreat to the comforting  reruns of  my sweet, angelic, Jerry Orbach while hanging out on the couch with Mr. Bojangles.

Party #1: Begin at the Beginning

Last Saturday was a party with friends from work. Lindsey agreed to be the Wayne to my Garth. Finally all my years of  memorizing Dana Carvey stand up paid off!

Party on Wayne. Party on Garth.

The theme was zombies, but we didn’t have time for all the fancy make up after work.

Zombie Snow White? Excellent!

A ton of guys from work showed up but by far the best costume was Officer Dangle from ‘Reno 911.’

It was a cold night, at least that's what he said.

Lindsey and I both agreed that it was a very…enlightening evening. I found out that while I think I look like crap at work, all the guy are checkin’ out my ass because it looks “fake, it’s so enormous.” (The actual quote was edited WAY down because my Mom reads this. What was said was filthy.)  Here’s a tip to all the Latino boys out there, do NOT tell a white chick she has a huge ass. I know it’s a compliment in your culture, but in mine, it could give a girl an eating disorder.

Party #2: Water, Water Everywhere, But Not A Drop To Drink

FINALLY! Another adventure with Roger! We went to a charity event for the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. He and I are very familiar with that place…very. After going through a list of costume ideas with Roger, we finally settled on Anthony and Cleopatra. Since I’m spectacularly pale, I had to be the Liz Taylor (best) version of Cleo.

Since it was a big ta-do I got my make up done and made the majority of the costume myself. That’s right, MADE IT, because that’s what you do on Halloween, you get creative, not whorish.

Greetings from Madame Trousseau's! Roger posted this on Facebook and apparently I look like a wax figure!

It took TWO hours to get to Santa Monica Blvd. Thank you ghetto people going to Knott’s Scary Farm for causing THREE accidents, my suspicions about your driving skills were not wrong. After we checked in we were escorted to the mausoleum by two nice men in lederhosens . It was at the very back of the cemetery in the Valentino mausoleum.

My flash was on, it was much spookier in person.

We walked through the building to an open area outside that was against the Paramount lot.

Entrance to the party.

As we entered the real party, this was one of the first things we saw.

A Bevy of Beefcakes.

There are two extremes at gay costume parties, over the top, detailed costumes or a napkin over your business. There will be examples of both in this entry, prepare yourself.

We headed to the VIP section, the only area with heaters and within ten minutes we saw this guy messing with the decorations.

Super mature, guy.

There was a large dance floor and a bunch of cabanas behind it,  they were over $1,000, too much for me.  In addition to that there were about five OPEN bars. I was D.D. but Roger made the most of it and had his fill of libations. I made sure of it.

Seriously, flood lights?

As I walked around guys kept coming up to tell me how sorry they were that I died this year and kept calling me Liz. Forget the fact that I was Cleopatra, I was, more importantly, Liz Taylor and they ALL knew it. Thank you for knowing your classic films gay men!

I don't know what this guy was, but he was super stoked to see me.

There were a ton of Pharaohs wandering around, but only two Cleopatras. (They were both the store bough slutty version, I was clearly the more impressive version.)

Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia

Yes, I know what you’re thinking Mom, here’s the video so you don’t even have to bother looking it up. You’re welcome.

From the VIP section I spied a Marty McFly and we were off to track him down. During our hunt we stumbled across a few interesting costumes.

What a bunch of witches.

NONE could top the glorious man dressed as Barbra Streisand (dressed as Fanny Brice) from the “Don’t Rain On My Parade” number in ‘Funny Girl.’ I practically pissed myself when I saw him. I LOVE  that movie.  His suitcase even played the song! Fabulous!  I know that not everyone knows the song (Mom), so here you are:

I was clearly pleased as punch about this. No one was raining on my parade. BEST costume of the night. I love you Drag Barbra!!

After that we stumbled across Sebastian, who’s in my writing group and invited me to the event.

He's a personal trainer, enough said.

If I had a body like that, I’d be wearing almost nothing too. He’s buddies with Lance Bass and introduced us. I think Lance was some kind of funky Japanese teenager.

Lance, Roger and Sebastian

Most girls would be excited about meeting someone from *NSYNC but out of the corner of my eye I saw a Hoverboard and I was off to bigger and better things!

Think McFly, think!

Not only did they look amazing, but Marty (who’s name is actually Greg and is super nice) gave me a copy of the “Save the Clock Tower” flyer. A+ for details guys.

Then I got Roger a few more drinks.

Oh snap, somebody get him a vodka and Go Girl! (Go Girl is an energy drink)

The grass was wet and I had on what could barely be called shoes, so I gave him the look that said, “Biotch, we need to dance.”

My feet are totally numb and I'm not even wearing heels.

Almost everyone else had the same idea as me and the dance floor was p- poppin’!

The Meat Buffet

We danced for a good two and half hours without sweating.  It was a super fun night. Before we left I saw one last amazing costume.


The walk back to the street was super creepy because there were zero lights. A cemetery at 2AM can be a spooky place. We did give Marion Davies a “hey girl” before we left.

Roger is a little uneasy about the walk.

Food wise, the party only had a taco bar. Really? Tacos at a gay party…I can’t even write the joke because it’s too easy. So, we went to 25 Degrees for dinner. We’ve gone there many times, I love that place…normally. This time it was the worst service, the manager was straight up rude, and it was an all around cluster eff. The place isn’t even the size of the inside of the place I work at so I had zero sympathy for the unnecessary chaos.

The night ended at about 5AM. I immediately striped down, took a HOT shower and passed the frick out.

From the couch, Roger called me and woke me up for breakfast at about noon.

Sweet God, get me some coffee!!

We headed over to The Pancake House where I had five cups of coffee and bacon pancakes.  Then I came home, showered and got ready for party numero tres.

Party #3: Literally, Bananas

Other than having ginormous rumps, Kim Kardashian and I also have something else in common. We both had three outfits for the same celebration. My third costume was a cake walk compared to Liz/Cleo, I was Rachel Zoe.  She is a celeb stylist who has a show on Bravo and talks like a 14 year old valley girl.

See, I wasn’t wrong. Literally.

This picture is bananas! Me and Nicole as Joan from Mad Men.

The party was thrown by Christina from my writing group  at her super adorable house in LA. Nicole (also from from my group) came as Joan from ‘Mad Men’ and made me miss my red hair days. I briefly saw Brooke (also from my group) before she went to another party. It was  packed with all kinds of neat costumes.

And this was just the outside!

Of course Christina had a super creative costume, she and a group of people were all characters from the Clue. Hilarious.

Who done it?

Ms. White, Rachel Zoe and witch Kelly who's tired of wearing tall ass boots.

I met  Christina’s super cool cousin, Kelly, who recently moved to LA and wants to go to WeHo…she found the right girl to help her get some gay friends! She also loved to bake and did all the sweets for the party. I think I also found a baking buddy!

There were a ton of other cool people, including some really nice guys who want to be my Yenta and find me a guy to date. Good luck gentlemen!

Thank you for reenacting your favorite photo of my gay ex-bf, Christina. This photo will always make me laugh!

The night ended with us watching the show ‘Sweet Home Alabama.‘ I HATE ‘The Bachelor’  TV show but this show is WAY more hilarious.  10 country girls and 10 city girls try to win the heart of a good old boy from Alabama. It’s magically stereotypical and I loved it. What a way to end a long frickin’ week of parties!

That’s Entertainment

22 Jul

And he's the best boyfriend ever. I love him.

So…ready for another topic brought to you by the uncreative, bored teenage girl who came up with this Blog Challenge? Too bad, it’s happening. There’s only 6 more entries of these pre-thought up topics then back to the awesome things I enjoy writing about..cats and old people.

Today’s topic is all about my favorite TV shows and movies. I already have an entire page on this blog about that very topic, but if you’re too lazy to click on it, here are my top five for both categories.

Boob Tube

Lucy had to learn about the importance of sunscreen the hard way...just like me.

1. I Love Lucy(1951-1957)

I’ve been watching this show since before I can remember and it’s still funny. Everyone loves Lucy but Fred is the most hilarious of all the characters, hands down.

(This is really just a clip for my Mom’s enjoyment. So, enjoy, Mom.)

I'm straight up mentally ill.- Tracy Morgan

2. 30 Rock (2006- Forever, I hope)

Duh, of course I love 30 Rock. I feel like I talk about Liz Lemon’s creepy similarities to me enough already.

I can blow myself, Mother. - Buster Bluth

3. Arrested Development(2003-2006)

I hope I grow up and become Lucille Bluth. She is fabulous. Arrested Development is full of very dry humor but since there are only 3 seasons, I highly recommend watching it…it’ll only take you part of one weekend. Then you’ll re-watch it FOREVER!

I know I sure would. I'd be delicious.- Harry Carey

4. Saturday Night Live (1975-The End of the World)

I don’t know one person who doesn’t like SNL.  Some people might not love the current cast but they loved it at one point in time. I loved Gilda Radner, Phil Hartman, Dana Carvey and Mike Myers, Will Farrell, Chris Kattan, Cheri O’Teri, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

Plus, it’s my initials backwards (SNL/LNS). I MUST love it.

5. The Essentials with Robert Osborne

Is this cheating? Who cares. It’s on TV so it counts. Most of the time, I’ve seen the movie they pick each week, I just want to hear Robert Osborne tell me awesome facts I never knew. I also love when he disagrees with Alec. For the record, Osborne is NEVER wrong. Especially when Alec thought Marlon Brando’s version of ‘ Mutiny on the Bounty’ was better than the Clark Gable version. Brando is SUCH an over rated actor, at least in Gable’s version you can understand the lines because he enunciates when he speaks!

Silver Screen

1.Gone With The Wind (1939)

Highest grossing movie ever(check for inflation, I’m correct!), 10 Oscars, great clothes and Gable is the leading man…best movie ever. (I’m also correct about that, don’t try getting into an argument with me about this movie…I will demolish you.)

“You think beautiful girls are going to stay in style forever? I should say not! Any minute now they’re going to be out! Finished! Then it’ll be my turn!” —Fannie Brice

2. Funny Girl(1968)

Although this movie is supposed to be set in the 1910’s, it clearly looks 1960’s but I’m OK with it because the clothes and songs are so great.

"I said good day Dr. Bruster, I said good day sir!" - Dorothy Michaels

3. Tootsie (1981)

If you didn’t know I am obsessed with Tootsie by now, just click back one page on this blog. Surely I’ve referenced it recently.

"What's a re-run?"

4.  The Back to the Future Trilogy (1985/1989/1990)

I just talked about the future yesterday. I could watch these movies any time….maybe not the third one, I don’t really like westerns, but if it was on TV I’d watch it. I , stupidly, think everyone has seen these films but clearly some people’s parents hated them and never let them watch these cinematic masterpieces.

"Just how I like 'em, big and sassy!"- Bellboy

5. Some Like It Hot (1959)

Joe E. Brown and Jack Lemon should have been in more movies together because their scenes are all I really care about in this movie. Hilarious.

America, Brought To You By Hot Pockets

11 Feb
Official Uniform of the United State Congress
So…The Supreme Court recently shot down a ban that aimed to keep corporations from funding politicians. This was done because the corporations weren’t getting the freedom of speech they are entitled to. (Forgive me if I don’t have the correct amount of sympathy for these multimillionaires.)
Stephen Colbert CALLED IT two years ago when he ran for President and was sponsored by Doritos. Having the Senator of New Jersey be brought to me by Ed Hardy would be hilarious(and super douchey!), we already know Illinois has been brought to us by the Mob for years. Sadly, this can not all be one fabulous SNL skit, it actually is a bad idea.
The problem for me comes with the the BIG  BAD corporations, like, oil companies, fast food, and medical/insurance corporations.
1: I want my flying car!!!!!!
Seriously, it’s 2010. I was PROMISED this by pop culture as long as I’ve been alive. I was born in 1985, THE pinnacle year for flying cars…Back To The Future, this is some serious sh!t Marty! I blame the oil companies. They screwed the trolley system over in LA, they’re screwing me out of my flying car, I hate them. Now with this wonderful new ruling I’ll never get my super sick Jetson car, I’ll have to keep pumping dead dinos into my car forever. Sorry Dino.
2. Un-Happy Meal
Do NOT get me wrong, I enjoy me some french fries. But, it is cheaper to buy a hamburger ($1) than it is to make a salad at home($7-$25)THAT IS CRAZY!!!!! You are setting poor people up for massive failure and aneurysms. Is it a conspiracy between fast food and the insurance companies? Maybe. We are never going to be any healthier if good food doesn’t go down in price so everyone can buy it. But since the Colonel has more money to push his weight around in Congress (pun intended) than Ol’ Farmer McGregor, we’re probably going to stay super fat. Thanks Ronald, your Happy Meal toys always sucked by the way!
3. Don’t mind my cough, here’s your dinner sir.
Alright, I’m a college graduate with a job and NO benefits. Livin’ the American Dream baby! Health insurance is too expensive for me to buy because I’m not a hypochondriac so I won’t use it enough to have the cost make sense to me. The last time I went to the doctor was 2 years ago. I’m sure I should have gone last year when I had a really bad cough, but I just let it play out over the next 4 months until it just went away, cheaper that way. Paying out of pocket for one visit is insane so if I ever have something bad happen to me I get to go to the Clinico Medico. That thought alone makes me want to sit on a knife! With these new sponsors I’m not going to have health care for a while so I guess I’d better learn to say, “It hurts here” en espanol because this is America and I can’t go to English speaking doctor since heath insurance is so grossly over priced.
There are more sectors that will be negatively impacted but those are the ones that really upset me. It is a funny topic but clearly Washington is just blatantly grabbing cash and not doing what the people need…not that they weren’t doing that before, it’s just they are openly whoring themselves out. It’s like they moved to Nevada and went to work at the Bunny Ranch to “put themselves through college.” Stay classy America and remember to wear protection because you probably can’t afford insurance.
Ricky Bobby’s Prayer, Brought To You By Powerade.