So… Day 6 is pet peeve day!!! Prepare yourselves for what could possibly be the longest entry EVER! There are so many things that piss me off and so little time to write about them all.
People who crowd lines, lie, cheat and think they are better than the rules. You are raging buttholes! Your parents should have smacked you more. I used to work in a theme park, so I had to call people out regarding this rule ALL the time. And I don’t care who you are (Frodo Baggins) NO ONE CROWDS in line!! I will send a pack of horny tweens to chase you. (True story) The rules are there for a reason.
Guys Who ALWAYS Touch Their Junk
I know they don’t wash their hands afterwards,leaving their sick effing wiener sweat on stuff you touch. What would they think of girls did that and then touched stuff…yeah, gross, I thought so! STOP IT!
Organic. I know how to properly use that word…do you? Do NOT tell me, “Oh your ideas are so organic.” WHAT? I didn’t plant my ideas in the dirt and pour cow dump on them. Surreal. “Oh wow, winning an Oscar is so surreal.” The proper response is, “Wow, I never thought I’d get one of these because I’m actually a super crappy actress (*cough, Halle Berry, cough.*)” It is what it is. NO SH*T! What else would IT be? An Oompa-loompa?
Barf worthy: Hubby, preggers, and make love. All of these terms make me uncomfortable.
Baby Voiced Women
I don’t know what I despise more, woman who do this or the men who love it. Do guys really like stupid, over grown baby whores? I don’t know, but what I do know is that it’s fake and I can NOT stand fake people.
Litter Bugs aka Lazy Bastards
I’ve never been a janitor, worked at a grocery store or a movie theater, but I can’t stand people who leave their crap everywhere and except someone else to clean it up. Entitled, lazy idiots! Leaving drinks and popcorn in a movie theater really pissed me off. I know the ushers come in to tidy up after the film, but you were sitting on your fat ass for 2 hours…you can throw an empty cup away.
Also, ads with animals get me every time. It is NOT hard to cut the rings in your six pack containers so birds and turtles don’t get stuck in them!!!
Changing Diapers In Public
Dear Idiot Parents,
Why would you change your smelly, germy, dump filled diaper on a table people eat off of in a RESTAURANT?!?! Not only that, you put the diaper in a Target bag on a chair right next to your’s as you continued eating your pizza with the hands you just used to wipe the poo off your kid’s butt!! If I could smell the death lurking in those Pampers, so could everyone else eating around you. RUDE! Do your legs not work? Can you not make it to the bathroom? Oh, I get it, you’re just super lazy. Always a great quality to have as a parent. Also, you must really love everything about crap since you kept eating without even putting some Purell on to cover the fact that you didn’t wash your hands. I know you are sick bastards but there are actual sick bastards who are child predators that eat out as well. Good job for flashing your kids’ junk for all to see, including creepy dudes who live in vans.
ALSO—Happy Fourth of July! To celebrate I’ll be serving ingrates who should be at home, eating burnt hot dogs, like I wish I was.