Tag Archives: SNL

I’ve Made A Huge Mistake

26 Jul

hmj

So…last year I quit serving and started assisting in a salon in Beverly Hills, all so I could have more time to write. Scroll down to my last blog post. It’s dated December 1st. That went well, didn’t it? Normally, my writing is the best when I’m annoyed with something. My assisting job took me way past annoyed, all the way to soul crushing shit fest. While serving, I said white women are among the worst people to serve. So what did I do? Start to work in the state’s capital of entitled, rude, and incredibly dumb, white women. And in a profession that is 99.9% women. Genius.

llhm

The clients were not as bad as “the ladies” I worked with . I understand if you are 18-22 and currently in a sorority and that’s all you’re about. Cool, fine. If you are in your mid to late 30’s and are constantly saying, “D G,” or “Zeta,”  look in the mirror. Hard. That 22 year old is gone and that bought and paid for sisterhood crap makes me want to puke. I never got a lunch and couldn’t go to the bathroom unless I asked permission. Power trip much? What I really adored  were the shitty comments about my weight. Really, a treat. So, between being miserable, poor and not writing, I finally ended that job. Struggling is not worth it sometimes. I’ve worked since I was fourteen and a half and to truly HATE a job, messed me up. Severing can be frustrating but in all the years I have been serving, I think I’ve cried twice because of it. Working with mean, mean girls turned me into a hot mess.

kill yourself jenna

I will never assist anywhere again. It’s basically indentured servitude, and I’m too old and don’t care enough about hair to do that again. So, while going for drinks at TCMFF this year, I literally ran into an old manager of mine. He asked what I was doing in a hour…it’s TCM, drinking. Duh. He told me to come down and meet his GM, so in between martinis I got a job. Serving at a touristy location (Hollywood and Highland) seemed like a perfect fit with my background. Great, I got hired… and then didn’t get trained for one and a half months.

potcat

Again, I was at a terrible job, I couldn’t handle the INCREDIBLY terrible tips and trashy clientele. This place was pretty much Chuck E. Cheese for adults. My first night there I had to get security to kick a guy, who was strung out on heroin, off one of my tables. Since I’m a white devil, I can’t say what I really think and KNOW to be true as a server, I will let this clip from Louie do it for me.

My co workers were nice, that’s the only good thing I can say about the place.

igoterrands

Now I’m back at an Italian joint. It’s much nicer than the last Italian restaurant I worked at. Why? There are NO HIGH CHAIRS. I thought I died and went to Heaven. The only nuisance I have are the overly medicated housewives who can’t remember what they ordered and want to fight about it. I guess being wealthy and not having to work can be really stressful for some people. I’d love to try it out and let you know but, that’s not in the cards yet. Now that I’m back in my comfort zone, I’ve started writing again and I’ve been out to see 3 different classic films this week alone.

I tried something new and it sucked a fat choad. Sure, I was mad for a little while, but I’m not married and don’t have any kids, so I have the freedom to try new things. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, everyone my age who has children and thinks they are superior.

Stop Asking Me Weird Crap

28 May

Leave more than a $5 tip if you suggest this.

So…I must have a friendly face or look like a priest because strangers tell me crap they really should not be telling me– pretty much on a daily basis.I don’t  want it to seem that I can’t keep a secret because I can. I’ve been tempted to write blogs about weird crap my friends have done…trust me, those entries would be amazing…but I don’t because I know them. It’s the freaks that tell me stuff while I’m trying to get their order at work or confess that their Mom thought they were gay—while we’re on a first date, that I will stick to.

Most of the weird stuff happens at my job. I’ve had a Grizzly Adams looking weirdo and his Olive Oil-esque girlfriend ask me IF they could ask me a “weird question.” Sure.

Grizz: My girlfriend is too shy to ask you this, but, uh we have a hotel room and we’d like to know if you want to be in a three way with us.

Really? I would like to think I could pull better than this gaggle of weirdos and what about me–in my work uniform–screams that’s a girls who wants to doink 2 other people at once? I declined and they left me $5…after asking a weird question like that I think I deserve more than 15%.

Three days later I was in Vegas. Anyone would need a vacation after that! While playing Sea Monkey Slots at the Bellagio, a man walked past me, backed up and zapped me with static electricity.

“Shocking, isn’t it,” was his lame conversation starter.

I am horrible at dealing with overly arrogant, for no good reason, men. He told me I should come up to his penthouse suite at the Wynn and I could join him in the jacuzzi. My ignorant self replied, “I didn’t bring my bathing suit.” “I didn’t want you to, ” he said. Seriously, I should have seen that coming. I told him I couldn’t because my friends were with me (and because I don’t make a habit of doing strange men.) He gave me his card and told me to call at 2AM. Of course I did NOT call but I did go back to my room and Google him.

Who was this Don Juan? Jack Burkman, who was in town for the Republican Nation Convention. He is also on the Committee for Family Values and has been in trouble for prostitution. What a dreamboat!

My last tale is not uncommon in my weird little world. A SUPER gay customer asked me one evening  if I would have his baby. No, not this dude:

EPIC GAYDAR FAIL: Sadly, I dated THIS for 4 years.

That guy is a whole separate entry that should be dedicated to my pitiful lack of gaydar. You live and learn…hopefully.

Anyway, the other gay dude who was yearning for my uterus said, “OMG! I want you to have my baby so it can be as sassy as you.” I responded, “you can’t breed this much sass.”

Every gay dude wants to knock me up. I have good genes and listen to Barbra Streisand, I’m a freakin’ catch in the gay world.

I could go on but I’ll save more weird yarns for when I’m short on topics to write about. No matter what, people will keep telling me weird, sick crap that will stay in my brain, even if I get the Alzheimer’s.