Bangarang, Robin

11 Aug

peter pan

So…I don’t really feel like smiling for the rest of the week after hearing this depressing as fuck news today. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Robin Williams affected my generation’s childhood tremendously. Between 1989-1998 he was in NINE films that were for kids. Don’t want to look them up, I respect your laziness and honesty: Dead Poets’ Society, Hook, Furngully, Aladdin, Toys, Mrs. Doubtfire, Jumanji, Jack, and Flubber. As you read that list I’m sure you said to yourself, “Oh I loved that movie, that one was good too…oh man.” Yeah, this is shitty.

ruffio

I know some people who don’t like Hook, I believe those people have no soul. I can’t watch that movie without crying. It’s got everything, nostalgia, fear of growing up, old people, parents connecting with kids, early cellphones, Dustin Hoffman in drag again (that wig, guys), Christmas time.  I can’t even watch that movie right now because I’ll lose my marble….just like Tootles.

rodney

When I was 2nd grade Aladdin came out and like every new Disney movie, that was the coolest shit I had ever seen. I had all the books, coloring books, had the soundtrack MEMORIZED. But the best character was, duh, the Genie. The character was pre-Shrek and had plenty of jokes just for the parents…and the weird little kid, me, who knew who Groucho Marx, Rodney Dangerfield and Jack Nicholson were. I remember telling my teacher that I wanted to be like Robin Williams and Bette Milder. That kind of freaked her out because, as I would find out as I got older, both of those celebrities were realllllllly raunchy prior to the Disney-fication of their careers.

doubtfire

Best makeover scene in filmdom is in Mrs. Doubtfire. It was Robin at his best, Gloria Swanson, Cuban woman, old Yiddish lady, Streisand….all with Harvey Firestein. What more could you want? I have a Scottish grandmother and all of my friends thought she was like Mrs. Doubtfire….except not a dude.

robin

I’m pretty sure everyone had to watch this in their high school English class. Partly because it was a great film and partly because the teacher showing it wished they still  had the passion Robin had for his students. Hell, I wish I had an English teacher that passionate, he was kick ass in this movie.

hug

Not that anyone is a fan of death, but suicides are horrible. I’m not a super genius like him, but I’m sure it wasn’t easy living in that amazing, wacky brain. Hopefully people will rediscover some of his films and hilarious stand up specials. And, on a side note, although this event put the kibosh on the terrible idea of Mrs. Doubtfire 2, I am CERTAIN it will not stop Disney from making their 53rd Aladdin movie.

I Hate Hippies

5 Aug

hippie3 

So…my boyfriend took the Bar last week and requested that I cook him dinners. He said that all the other guys’ girlfriends cooked for them during the Bar. After going to a “grocery store” in LA, I call bullshit.

I went to a Whole Foods. For those of you who don’t know what this place is, its what people in LA think a grocery store is….except it’s not a grocery store. Well, if you don’t cook or eat, then it TOTALLY is a grocery store.

They didn’t have any aluminum pans and no Pyrex casserole dishes. Instead, they sell vinyl records and have a DJ who plays them. There’s plenty of yoga mats and maxi dresses, as well as hand made, organic soaps. The medicine isle was full of people on their phones looking up what the hell naturalistic, holistic, horse crap was in the bottle…the answer is always NyQuil dummies!   

What really set me over the edge was when I looked for a potato peeler. I got the potato masher I was looking for…$12 later!!! I couldn’t see a peeler, so I asked. The worker said it was over where I had been. Dude, it’s not. By that point I was pissed off enough to look at every price label to see if they EVER carried a peeler. NO, they did not.  

hippies

Also, for those of you who don’t live in LA, you have to bring your own grocery bags to the store with you OR ELSE pay for them. As I left, there were two people in yellow vests. I figured, this must be like Costco and they want to check my receipt. I stopped to pull it out of my purse when I heard one of them say, ” I’m from Amnesty International and would like to talk to you about women’s rights.” SERIOUSLY? I said no thanks and got the hell out of there.

budder

I understand eating healthy, but this place and the people who go there frequently are nut jobs. It’s like the emperor has no clothes up in there. ‘We’re cooking healthy, but we don’t really know how to cook. As long as it tastes like hell, it must be good for me.’ I’d rather eat something yummy and enjoy my life, than eat “raw food” and shit my brains out 3 times a day because of all the fiber I’m cramming down my kale hole. 

Going back to what my boyfriend said about all the other guys’ girlfriends cooking for them. How could they if they can’t even buy a freakin’ potato peeler?!? Here’s some of the awesome, none kale dishes I made. I am awesome, suck it hippies: pork chops, spaghetti, salad, apple cobbler, garlic knots, BBQ chicken,cornbread, twice baked loaded potatoes, lamb chops, monkey bread. 

It’s Not Me, It’s You

14 Jul
What an inviting mascot.

What an inviting mascot…from your nightmares.

So…after enough years at the same job, I quit.  I worked there so long that I needed help from my roommate and friends to remember all the crazy ass stuff that I’ve seen and that has happened to me while working there. As many of you know I worked at a restaurant at a theme park in Southern California. (Figure it out.)Also, the mascot looks like a GIGANTIC Klan member…I didn’t just put a creepy racist clown photo up to creep you out for no reason. stupid people That job made be realize how INCREDIBLY stupid people are. I got  sick of explaining what penne is….PENNE! Where do people eat that they don’t know what a simple form of pasta is? Speaking of forms. It doesn’t matter what shape your pasta is assholes. It ALL tastes the same and it will all leave your stink hole the same way. Adults who bitch about what shape pasta they receive were the shit head kids that don’t eat crust and only wanted buttered noodles. And how is buttered noodles an acceptable dinner for kids?? There is ZERO nuterion in that. I didn’t even know that was an option for a dinner until I started that job in my twenties, why? Because my parents didn’t let me decide what I ate. Why? Because as my Dad said about parenting, “This is a dictatorship, not a democracy.” white devil! Most importantly, stereotypes are true. But the worst kind of  people (this is not limited to my place of work) are parents. Hands down. I’m sure those of you with kids are thinking, “You don’t have kids, you don’t know.” I’m not a parent, I’m a sane (angry) person. What I do know is, letting your kid pull their pants down and drop a watery deuce in the middle of our patio seating makes me want to punch you in your reproductive organs. Yes, that actually happened.merp Or when a kid crapped so hard, it shot up it’s back, the Mom washed it off in one of the bathroom sinks. She clogged that sink with poo, switched to the other sink, clogged that one and left the people crapping in the stalls with no sink to wash of their dooky hands. Those are just SOME of the gross stories I have. asshole kidKids are evil, but they are evil because of crappy parenting.  For example, parents letting their kids beat me with balloon animals like I was Joe Pesci at the end of Casino, or let them run around me while I carry 16 drinks…assholes. Little kids who have cellphones make me want to drop kick them into a fountain. Who are they texting? One, they don’t know how to spell. Two, when you’re 6 years old, the majority of the people you know in life are at the same dinner WITH YOU! I’ve seen a teenager, sitting right next to her Mom, tell her to “shut up” then threw a FORK at her Mom’s head! I wish the story ended with, ‘and then the Mom took her outside and beat her kid’s ass,’ but  she ended up calmly asking her violent hell child “what’s wrong?” GAH!  Once while I was taking an order, I had a kid look up at me and cough INTO MY MOUTH. The parents said nothing, dicks, I didn’t even excuse myself, I just walked away. Here’s a tip for other servers: If  the Mom is in the bathroom when it’s time to order, don’t go to the table because all modern fathers are useless. I truly mean that, they are just walking sperm donors. They don’t know what they’re own children are “allowed” to have. GOD DAMN IT! You’re a man, pick for them. Juice or water? Stop being a little bitch. Now, a happy story: One time a kid ran straight into a lamp pole. I laughed SO damn hard. eww get off meNow, I don’t have to deal with gross co-workers touching me or saying inappropriate things to me. What do I mean by inappropriate? ” I want to put olive oils all over your body and massage you with my feets, then put my big toe in your butt.”  Gross and I hate olive oil. Or customers wanting me to join them for a threesome, barf. People need to stop.

After all these terrible stories, do I miss it?  Well, it was easy, aside from all the assholes, and I made really good money….so kind of. 

Haters Gonna Hate

12 Jun

Hater gonna hate, guuurrrrl.

So…I haven’t been writing about any weird dates lately because I’ve been dating a nice guy for over a year now. Everything is great, but when I tell people about him, they think it’s ok to voice their absurd opinions about it. I understand that may seem normal, most people’s  friends dole out all kinds of unsolicited inputs about their friends’ boy/girlfriends. But, those musings aren’t that of an Indiana Jones super villain… typically.

indy

The guy I’m dating is of the Jewish persuasion. I didn’t really think people hated on Jews anymore. I mean, this isn’t 1930s Germany (these events happened before Russian decided to time travel their crazy balls thinking back to WWII.) Well, I was way wrong. There’s a woman at the school I went to who was very religious and I didn’t mind having little theological discussions with her, I mean I was there 9 hours a day, I had to pass the time some how! One day she told me that she wasn’t prejudiced against anyone… “except the Jews! They killed Jesus and all they care about is money.” WHOA!  Holy shit, right?

j1j2

I told her that I thought Jesus’ job was to die…like, that was  his reason for being, so why get mad about him successfully completing his job, regardless of who helped him accomplish it ? Didn’t matter. She would say “Jews” and then hiss like a vampire seeing the sun. WTF, right? How do I meet these people?  I got to listen to a few months worth of this from her. I get it, she’s old…old people don’t give a shit about what’s politically or logically correct.

how bout no

Then I met younger people who, as soon as they found out I was dating a Jewish guy, verbally barfed up their ignorant ass views. During these incidents, I wasn’t the only one around, other people my age were present and NO ONE ELSE thought, “hmm, that was, I don’t know….inappropriate!”

hile myself

After experiencing this more times than I thought I ever would in my life, I figured I must secretly be in a Mel Brooks movie because this has to be a joke. I was just waiting for someone to burst out into a flamboyant song and dance number. Surely, people aren’t actually like this! Had Indiana Jones taught people nothing? If you hate Jews, this will happen to you…every time:

melt

Am I trying to say that only Christians are simple-minded, bigots? Nope.  I’ve been ignored by my Jewish side of the family for being Gentile. I met the majority of the Goldberg side of my family while watching my grandfather die of cancer in the ER….treasured family memories! I’ve been hated by ex-boyfriend’s mothers for not being “Christian enough.” Just like Jesus would want, right?

hate rita

I enjoy hating as much as the next person, actually probably more…it just feels so good. But hating is an art form, don’t be lazy about it. Hate someone for something really personal, something that, if you told them why you hated them, would probably send them into years of therapy. That’s the kind of hating I love, it’s much more fulfilling. Hate someone for being dismissive, rude, arrogant or just for being a gigantic asshole to you.  Don’t hate someone for their religion, you unimaginative, mundane, pedestrian, hack!

 

I’m Going Slightly Mad

29 May

adult1 adult2

So…for the past year I’ve been learning a trade so I can write more and smell like pizza and kid farts less. At this “institution”…which it totally felt like that to me when my time was coming to an end….I got a greater realization that 18-22 yr olds are not adults. I know society thinks they are, but this is not 1943, none of them are running farms or going off to war…they can barely wipe their asses.

crazy mo fo

While being surrounded by these people for 45 hrs a week, I started to think I lost my ability to be funny. Maybe I was exhausted from all the school plus work? Yes… but no, that wasn’t it. Then I thought I must be going crazy instead because I didn’t/couldn’t believe that people like this actually existed and had not gotten themselves killed yet.  I already told you there is a person I have met, in real life, that can NOT read a clock. So, clearly, I’m not insane because that  person shouldn’t exist.

iamcalm

There are people don’t know who American treasure, Tom Hanks, is. I have met people who have never seen Hocus Pocus or Back to the Future.  Do people hate their children? Does no one watch TV, because BTTF (as the cool kids call it) is almost always on TNT every weekend? God damn it! What else could be on TV that is better than some young, fine, Calvin Klein MJ Fox? Come on! Also this generation thinks Anne Bancroft is “thick.” If that is true, I must be an elephant in their stupid, young, eyes.

ihatepeople

I also think there is a major problem with the way girls and guys speak to each other in their early twenties. There was a girl in class telling me about this guy that she started dating, maybe a week prior to this conversation. She was already talking about marrying him, he got a tattoo of her on his back…oh yeah, this is real life. She said he was so nice to her and she had me read one of his texts where he said he was glad they “smashed guts” last night.

ugh

………………..”Smashing guts” is what guys are calling sex now. I’ll let you think about that for a minute.

 

I’ll say what everyone is thinking, we need a draft. These assholes need to go. Soon.

 

*Yes, they broke up after 3 weeks. Thank God he’s got that tattoo, right?

fuck nuts

Roger teaches English at this “institution.” He informed me that his students had no idea there were beaches in Orange County. (Yes, they were all raised here.) And one person wrote in an essay, which was turned in for a GRADE, stating that MLK Jr. freed the slaves.  These numb nuts have phones, which they are on CONSTANTLY which can access GOOGLE and look up who freed the slaves. Instead they literally pull shit out of their asses and smear it across a paper and expect an A. Psychos.

selfie And lastly, the amount of selfies I witnessed on a daily basis was staggering. If you watch someone take a selfie, they look like an insane person. Why are you suddenly happy? Duck lips aren’t sexy, it looks like you’re making an “oops, I farted” face. And maybe you did.  I can’t comprehend why these girls think they look so great that they need to document how they look EVERY DAY. Especially when we wear uniforms and look the same EVERYDAY!

 

So, basically, I thought I was going slightly mad, but in reality, I’m just mad.

 

M.I.A

19 Mar
Shoot me.

Shoot me.

So….have I turned into a hermit ala Little Edie? Unfortunately no. Have I stopped writing because I don’t like it anymore? HELL NO. I’ve been back at school (AGAIN) for the past, almost, year. The reasoning behind it is that I can get a nice job, that doesn’t involve kids slapping me in the ass with balloon animals and be able to have more time to write. I have plenty of stories from school and a never-ending ocean of rage at some of the dummies that go there with me. I really should wait until I’m done before I write about all the ridiculous goings on there, but here’s a preview: I have met a 20 something “adult” who doesn’t know how to read a clock. I’ll let that sink in for a moment.

stupidI have also met a roomful of people who don’t have any idea who Angela Lansbury is.

birdI promptly left that room.

I know what you’re thinking, how am I not a full blown alcoholic yet? I don’t have time to be. School is 45 hrs a week work is about another 20-25 more. I have also been dating a really nice guy for a year…so, sorry, no more crazy dating stories. I know, they were always a fun read. I won’t miss those kook-jobs though. That said, I AM going to TCMFF 2014 and will give everyone a nice report back. Party pal Alan and I will be in full affect, so it’ll be a good one.  See you soon.

Yeah…No Thanks.

11 Aug
or on my blog.

or on my blog.

So…I wasn’t going to write about this, but I haven’t written in while, so I figured, I’m annoyed enough, what the hell? My ten-year high school reunion is next month and the head of the let’s-get-together-and-reminisce-about-our-puberty committee is trying to get me to go.

shoot me

Just like ten years ago, I have NOTHING in common with these people. They all have husbands, kids and houses now and clog up my Facebook feed with photos of what domestic bliss looks like and how much happier and in love they are then me.  I don’t need their looks of pitty because I have none of that.  My priorities greatly differed from their’s this past decade, which should be acceptable, but…

bcofsociety

People from Bakersfield have a certain expectation of what you should obtain and by when. I don’t have a white dress, insurance, or a mortgage, so what the hell have I been doing dicking away all my pretty years??

I’ve (mostly) enjoyed the past ten years. I mean, I could have done with a little less douche-tastic guys, but I’ve studied a bunch of cool subjects, met celebrities, read a lot of books, traveled, gone to Vanity Fair parties, and enjoyed frequently shopping at stores nicer than Kohls.

And let’s go back to high school for a moment, shall we? High school was awesome for, maybe, 10-15 people. They are all still friends and want to relive the four best years of their lives. I would love to ask them, if those were the best years of your lives, why bother going on if you know it’s not getting any better than that?

brainexplosion

I hated high school. No one liked me because I was “too intimidating.” Imagine, me, intimidating. HA! No one wanted to talk about old movies or creative writing…there’s, like, 3 gay dudes in Kern County, they’re the only people who care about that kind of stuff. Thank God Smaptie liked comedy so I had some relief.  And hating on people with my AP Bio teacher (who I’m still friends with) helped as well.  Yeah, friends with my teacher, automatic popularity right there.

Really guys from my high school? Not one date? Yeah, I don't miss my youth.

Really guys from my high school? Not one date? Yeah, I don’t miss my youth.

And lastly, if I haven’t talked to you in ten years….chances are pretty good that I don’t want to talk to you.  I don’t need to spend $40 on a ticket just to get drunk and talk shit on people with the ONE person from high school I still talk to.

Young Americans

8 Apr

dumbassSo…as I have said many times, I deal with an unusually high amount of idiots at my job…well, everywhere actually, they’re just more highly concentrated at my work. As I was getting my section ready one night I heard David Bowie being piped in and commented to a coworker about the song being so good and how I’d rather hear his songs than that stupid ass violinist playing the theme to Schindler’s List every night. (Because nothing says happy vacation time like the theme song from a movie about genocide, right?) Smart coworker agreed with me and then Dumbass chimed in. “Who the fuck is David Bowie?”

pray for brainsI Bea Arthured that d-bag. My eyes rolled back so far, I think I bruised them. Thankfully Smartie started the smack down for me, “Um, The Labyrinthine?” DA, “What the fuck is…how ever you say that word?”

I know what some of you hippies are thinking, “No, young people are smart. They’re always researching things on the interwebs.”

realpeople1 realpeople2

Me and only a handful of my friends use the computer for learning and not finding out where to buy a chin-do . Example: The trailer for Behind the Candelabra came out today. I looked up when Liberace died, then what happened to Liberace’s lover, which lead me to finding out what happened to his brother George. Welcome to my brain.

abby normalDumbass is a perfect example of what is wrong with the youth of America, they are not ashamed of their stupidity. Actually, they are proud of it, they flaunt it. I blame anti-bullying. I can hear you now, “Don’t make them feel bad for being stupid.” Why not? They try, with their abby-normal brains, to make me feel bad for being smart. If they could successfully put me down, they would essentially be bullying me. That seems to be ok with everyone though. It’s PC for dumb people to make fun of smart people but not vice versa. 

Thinking is hard, reading is hard…Smart people should be celebrated and dumb asses should want to change their ways. That probably won’t happen.  Maybe I should…lower expectations

and then….

kitty

…maybe I’ll only do the second thing. Come on dummies, stop being such…dummies!! Go learn one new thing today. Just one. And here’s some Bowie, for those of you who don’t know who he is.

Status Update

4 Mar
If you think this is directed at you...it is.

If you think this is directed at you…it is.

So…stupid ass Facebook updates. I’ve been wanting to write about this topic for a long time, but apparently I wasn’t annoyed enough to do so.  I know what you’re thinking, if someone’s annoying, why don’t you delete them? I did, but these dummies are everywhere. After a conversation (read: bitch fest) with Kim, I found that I was not the only one who can’t stand this crap. There are a few different kinds of status updates that are especially annoying.

dunt do that

Hash tags. Facebook is not Twitter. I feel like I’m playing a sick grammar game about being able to read things that aren’t properly written out. Hash tags are used to help people search for things. I HIGHLY doubt anyone is searching for #ilovehimhelovesme. Write it in your diary. #Choke yourself.

sitonaknife

Attention seekers. Yes, I understand, most people want attention, but I’m talking about a certain sort of attention.  People who complain about being sick, do you realize that is exactly what you’ll be bitching about when you’re 80? Call your Nanna and ask her how she’s doing…it will sound exactly the same as your latest update. Hip and cool, huh? Asking for hugs and telling people you feel overwhelmed or sad makes me want to smash your computer…call your Mom or get a pound puppy. Better yet, get a damn therapist because at least someone will get paid to listen to you…whiner.

f u

People who are constantly stating how amazing their life is. No, I’m not jealous. Of what? Your vacation? (That you loser husband let your Dad pay for.) Your (second) marriage?  Honestly, I think these people are convincing themselves that they are actually happy…or they’re assholes. If that is the case, I can’t wait for you to break-up/get divorced (again).  My black heart will enjoy every minute of it and so will everyone else, I’m just the only one ballsy enough to tell you.  And stop using phrases like: the hubs, the fam bam and the bestie. No one likes that.

offensive

What about me, aren’t I annoying? I’m a single chick in her late 20’s on the verge of becoming a cat lady, what do you think, genius? Of course I am. Unlike everyone else, I at least try to make my eccentricities entertaining to the world instead of making them want to scratch their eyeballs out after they’ve read whatever it is I wrote about. Plus, going to this blog takes a smidgen of effort, you don’t have to come here if you don’t want to. Seriously.

Do what you want, but entertain me.

Who Can It Be Now?

28 Jan

story of my life

maid 2

So…I starting using an online dating site ( my Grandma thinks the name is “It’s OK to be Stupid”) to help me meet someone before I give up on life, adopt 38 cats and begin wearing only Muumuus. I figured that since you have to answer questions and fill out profile crap, that would probably knock out enough idiots.

I thought wrong. Let me share some of the best messages I’ve received.  I have not altered these in any way, just copied and pasted them from my inbox. For those of you who don’t believe me when I tell you how tedious it is to wade through these morons, your brain will probably crap out the side of your head after this, so grab a wet wipe.

  • glass-essay1: “Pardon me for asking, but I’m very curious. What’s your bra size? Honestly. 34C or D?”

respect me1

respect my boobies

  • wineanddineyou: “Wolfgang Puck. Wine tasting in Santa Barbara. Sunday brunch at Hotel Bel Air. A night at the Four Seasons Westlake Village Spa. Good morning! Is there anything I can do or say to say YES to seeing me? I am a work a holic so I am seeking something casual. In exchange I am more than happy to help with your bills to see you maybe once every 2 weeks. Please…. You are really adorable and cute and I promise to show you a great time. You will have fun with me and laugh and you won’t regret it. I am happy to send you a photo of you’d please give me your email address.”
Since when do I look like Pretty Woman?

Since when do I look like Pretty Woman?

  •  issaaa: “hi there what ethnicity are you? :)” 
a brain..a heart..the nerve

Because my extreme paleness makes me racially ambiguous?

  • madiman: “just the ex-girlfriend I’m looking for.”
Really, dude?

Really, dude?

  • greatbirds: “Hello..? Could i be your slave…?”
boombox

Idiot.

  • glidingsaucers: “You almost capture the elegance of the mammary grope of the original. You must be the next Rodin.”
What are you even trying to say, dum dum?

What are you even trying to say, dum dum?

  • smartcutewriter: “Ok just read my profile and contact me. Nuff said :)”
Good writers don't use the word "nuff," jag weed.

Good writers don’t use the word “nuff,” jag weed.

  • ANDREW_IS_HORNY: “OMG!!!! i would soo fuk u hard in the ass nd pussy i’ll eat u out send me a naked pic of u nd i’ll send u 1″
My thoughts exactly.

My thoughts exactly.

And those are messages from the guys I did NOT go on dates with. One guy I met up with had a list to help him know when he was in love, also, he’s never been in love.  I got catfished…or Manti Te’o-ed, either way, that was weird and lame. Another guy told me he was into BDSM, banging old chicks and having them use strap ons on his b-hole.  That was on our first (and only) date.  And my personal favorite, I got dumped because, apparently, I’m “too sarcastic.” I feel like anyone who’s had more than a 10 minute conversation with me would figure that out rather quickly. It took him almost two months.

Damn, is this too sarcastic?

Is this reaction too sarcastic?

Thank you, my parents’ generation, for making the “men” I get to date. I love wasting all my pretty years weeding through this discouraging, never-ending, garden from hell.

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